04.02.16 - A Night at the Country Club

10:00pm: Commence Saturday night rally fest to go out. I like to keep a few Sugar Free Red Bulls, aka white girl crack, in my fridge because a) I buy them in bulk from Amazon and b) sometimes I really need them before I go out for the motivation factor. On a budget this month/year/ever so I pour a shot of vodka into my Red Bull* and make fancy mixed shots consisting of pineapple juice and vodka for Caitlin & I.  Vodka, like cum, is better with pineapple juice but still is sort of gross.

Dramatic Reenactment 

There are TAN girls on the L train… like unnatural tanning bed tan. I thought we all got over that in 2007 and embraced the pale. If you are going to do something that causes cancer it should be at least be fun like binge drinking or charbroiled steak.

Sorry you will never be Beyoncé

10:45pm: Arrive at the Bushwick Country Club, which is neither in Bushwick* or a Country Club. They have a backyard with a mini golf hole so I guess for Brooklyn that’s close enough. They offer the deals of the century - with PBR tall boys for $3 and about 5 different boilermakers for under $7. The drink deals, lots of sitting options, Big Buck Hunter and a $3 photobooth make this the ideal bar for a long night of drinking with friends or frenemies. Also love this bar because they have jugs of water at the back and free cheese puffs. They know what people want and need to keep drinking long into the night: water & carbs, which also happens to the title of my upcoming memoir/self-help book.

We are brought to Bushwick Country Club tonight to celebrate my friend Peter’s 10,000th day on this earth or the ultimate un-birthday party for nerds. I am not sure how or why he figured out his 10,000th day but I like Peter and his friends and this bar so I am whole-heartedly embracing this reason to drink. It’s basically a birthday party where I don’t have to get you a gift.

Well in that case, I guess I'll drink tonight... 

12:30am: Lauren & Aisha meet us. We are going to a Techno event featuring featuring Objekt, The Long Count Cycle, and Ital & Halal (comprised of Ital & Aurora Halal). Organized by Aurora Halal BK based DJ and organizer of acid techno Mutual Dreaming parties and the Sustain-Release techno summer camp  The event,  Sustain-Release Campers Reunion, was originally happening at the Market Hotel but has moved to a warehouse location for reasons unknown but it conveniently happens to be about a 15-minute walk from the bar. So we decide to pre-game here as drinks at dance events are usually overpriced. Probably to compensate for the people who aren’t drinking because they are on too many drugs. Unfortunately for them, venues don’t make money on drugs. Do venues in Colorado sell weed? They would probably make so much money especially at Rap and Jam Band concerts.

Supply & Demand DUDES.  

1:30am: We arrive at the venue and there is a long line out the door for people who don’t have tickets. We have tickets so we just sashay in. Spontaneity maybe exciting planning ahead is for smart sensible ladies who don't like to wait outside in the rain.

I am a VPP - very prepared person. 

 This venue is pretty huge for BK dance standards. I would say the dance floor is way bigger than the Market Hotel and probably bigger than Good Room or the main floor at Output. It is LIT and by lit, I mean sort of cold but very crowded with dancing people. More people are here than I think were at the whole Sustain Release festival. I actually don't recognize anyone from this year's festival or the dozen events I've been to in the last few months. Who are all these people? Has there been a techno explosion in the city? All of the events I have gone to in the last month or two have been extra crowded and not the regular crews. Have I fallen behind on which parties are cool? Have the general public evolved? Has there been lots of press for these events? Do people just want to go to cool “Brooklyn” parties and don’t care about the music? I think it’s most likely the last one? I am not sure though and this party is causing a minor crisis of self. 

What happened to all my beautiful techno gigs? 

2:00am: So, I am obsessed with public bathrooms. Not in a creepy way but bathrooms are really important and when you live in NY (unless you're severely dehydrated or a hermit), you're probably using a public (or semi-public i.e. office) bathroom 90% of the time you go. So I care and take note which venues & bars have nice bathrooms because when you're out, you're drinking, dancing or taking drugs or a combination of all three and all of these make you have to pee at least once an hour. So it pains me deeply when the bathroom line is long and the bathroom line HERE was out of control. The madness outside started by the bar and then goes through a door with a bouncer into another room with a separate long slow line.  There are only two single bathrooms for use in this giant venue. TWO! The bathrooms themselves were fine but that's besides the point, I spent about 18 minutes waiting to pee.  We all didn’t get drinks because we were afraid to have to pee again, age prematurely in the bathroom line and probably get a UTI.

3:45am: We decide to leave early because we are le tired, can’t drink for fear of peeing, we somehow even without drinking, have to pee again and the line has grown so it would literally be faster at this point to go home to pee. My friends go to get their coats. While I am waiting alone a young white girl with dreadlocks and a lot of glitter eye shadow comes up to me and side hugs me. She says “Sometimes Bushwick is just *so* Bushwick, you know. I live in Bushwick but sometimes it’s just too Bushwick.” I understand her meaning although this specific party is not too Bushwick but sometimes Bushwick is *so* Bushwick.  She came up to me because quote “You’re just a beautiful girl alone and I want to talk to you,” which I thought was sweet. She’s probably really high but I still take the compliment. Sadly, my friends get back and I tell her I am leaving and she gives me a big hug and wishes me a goodnight. 

Sometimes Imperial China is just *so* Imperial China

4:15am: Arrive home and I am literally so relieved to be using my own bathroom. Sometimes leaving the party is the best decision.

The party never really ends. 

*Road sodas ie. portable alcoholic beverages are useful when you’re late to the party or traveling a ways to go out. You save money and you have a little secret on the subway. Remember to be subtle. Drinking in public is decriminalized but still illegal boys & girls.

**Debatable but pretty sure Real Estate Maps and Neighborhood officials would label it solidly in East Williamsburg. Brooklyn Real Estate map depicted below.

Seriously, though I think if the closest subway is the Grand L it counts as East Williamsburg. 

03.17.16 - I'm Not Irish

6:30pm: I am still frosting cupcakes. Why does frosting cupcakes take so long?  No wonder these cost like $5 each at Sprinkles. They take for-fucking-ever to make. All I’ve been doing for the last hour is manhandling butter. Well technically butter with powdered sugar and Bailey’s Irish Cream. So frosting. Somehow eating frosting straight is less gross to people than eating just straight butter, which apparently was a mainstay of the Irish diet pre-potato. 

I finally finish the Irish Car Bomb* cupcakes for an impromptu St. Patrick’s Day party at my apartment.

I am not of Irish descent on either side of my family but my Dad makes corned beef and cabbage every year. I think this tradition started because my parents love buying what’s on sale and corned beef and cabbage is always on sale for St. Patrick's Day. Also it’s incredibly easy to make. The cooking instructions are on the corned beef package when you buy it and it almost always comes with an "irish" spice packet. You just boil the meat in a big pot with spices then you take out the meat and boil the vegetables in the same pot in the spiced meat water. Don't underestimate the power of good meat water. 

Snapchat updates of cooking. All the essentials - Butter, Cabbage & Meat. 

So last week I saw corned beef was on sale and decided I would continue on with this frugal traditional of cultural appropriation.  Then suddenly a small dinner with four people turned into a dinner with 9 people because everyone loves an excuse to eat salted meat and drink Guinness – which also sort of tastes like liquid meat. Love meat. Tried to be vegetarian for March, I lasted about 6 days before my body craved blood. 

7:30pm: My friends all arrive on time. I think they may be a first for my friend group. Are we all maturing? Or is everyone just super punctual because they saw my snap-story about making the cupcakes? Ladies do love themed carbs. 

8:15pm: After four hours of boiling, the food is ready. I put 5 pounds of steaming hot corned beef on the table and about 10 pounds of potatoes, cabbage, and carrots. I put out two sauces: Guinness Mustard Sauce and Horseradish Sour Cream. Dinner Party Tip: sauce makes everything seem fancier. I mean meat is meat but meat with sauce is cuisine. Basically the whole reason French cooking is fancy is just lots of sauces. 

More than half of the meat is gone in 5 minutes.  Apparently the Irish Soda bread biscuits did not fill everyone up. Most of the vegetables are gone but there are still about 5 pounds of potatoes. Guess my friends aren't Irish enough to eat 10 pounds of potatoes. More for ME! 

9:30pm: After everyone has gorged themselves on meat, beer & booze cupcakes. We decide to watch a "Irish" movie. Sadly, the classic pre-Bond Sean Connery Film Darby O’Gill and the Little People** is not on Netflix so we settle for watching The Departed. The Departed has very little to do with St Patrick’s Day but it is a Oscar winning film about Irish-American culture in Boston as told by the Italian-American Martin Scorsese. But truthfully the American version of St Patrick’s Day has very little to do with Ireland and more to do with being Irish American anyway so it’s sort of fitting. It also features a song by the Dropkick Murphy’s? So that’s Irish enough right? 

10:00pm: Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon both look so young and fine in this movie. TBH Matt Damon still looks pretty fine. However Leo has gone off the deep end and is slowly turning into Jack Nicholson. He doesn’t care though, he has an Oscar and VS models will always fuck him because charm, money, fame etc. 

And he fucking knows it that smug SOB.

11:30pm: We started playing a drinking game where everyone drinks when they say microprocessors. They say microprocessors about 100 times. Thank god we were playing with beer and not whiskey. 

12:00am: Them movie is over and I won’t spoil the ending but the last 10 minutes of this movies if absolutely bonkers. And like most Scorsese movies you leave having enjoyed the film and very glad you aren’t part of organized crime and no one is after you. Unless of course you are actually a gangster and then my suggestion is just don’t watch Scorsese films except maybe Goodfellas. Everyone should watch Goodfellas.  

Go watch the damn movie. 

*Irish Car Bomb is the politically insensitive/offensively named drink where a shot of Jameson & Bailey’s is dropped into a pint of Guinness. It is politically insensitive because of the past IRA bombings. The cupcakes are a Guinness Chocolate Stout cake with Jameson whiskey chocolate ganache filling and bailey’s Irish Cream Buttercream Frosting.  But naming them by the ingredients would be a mouthful so I think I will rename them...Irish Booze Cupcakes? Irish Granny Liquor Cabinet Raid Cupcakes? 

But I put all the booze in these damn cupcakes...

** If you haven't seen Darby O'Gill and the Little People you should because it's a super weird live action Disney movie from 1959 about an old man and a leprechaun king. The movie also and a super cute young Sean Connery singing and trying to have an Irish accent. 

03.15.16 - Say Yes to Donnie Darko

6:55pm: I arrive at House of Yes, off the Jefferson L stop, in the ever-trendier Bushwick. Inside, there are performers rehearsing  dance performance on the bar floor. Intrigued, I want to stay to watch but I step back outside to allow them privacy.

View from the Street - Source: http://houseofyes.org/the-space/

House of Yes opened this new venue and bar space at the end of 2015, the very end they opened this past NYE. In its past life, House of Yes was a DIY space started by creative performers with a passion for circus. However after an all consuming fire, and then a money consuming rent hike, they decided to open a full-on legal venue in Bushwick. As the name implies they are a very open place that hosts a variety of parties, shows and events.

The Main Bar - Source: http://houseofyes.org/the-space/      

People have described to me that House of Yes is “The Box of Bushwick.” I guess in terms of wild performance space meets bar this is true. However, the Box is expensive, exclusive, dark and caters mostly to tourists and nouveau riche men who want to feel adventurous, whereas House of Yes is inexpensive, bright, glittery, has an open door policy and caters to everyone looking for a good time with occasional nudity and aerialists. They just want everyone to say just say yes and that’s a policy I can get behind.

Sometimes life is simple and the answer is love and love is positivity and positivity is yes. 

7:05pm: I have come here tonight to see an immersive screening of Donnie Darko presented by Little Cinema. Immersive cinema is where in addition to the movie screening there are added live elements such as a live band, dancers & actors. These elements make you feel as though you are immersed in the film instead of just watching it. The tickets to the show were $10, pretty good price considering a regular movie ticket in NYC is about $14. When I walk back in I am still the first patron in the room so I order some sparkling wine. It tastes like André the cheapest of shitty sparkling wines, drank mostly by high school girls, retail price about $5 per bottle. I am disappointed. If your walls are covered in glitter your sparkling wine should at least taste like Korbel, a nice $11 dollar sparking wine.

7:10pm: The bathrooms though. The bathrooms might be the best part of this venue. The bathrooms looks like Elton John’s acid trip vision. The sink is gold glitter, the walls are gold mirrors with blinking led lights and each individual stall is a themed mosaic including pearl, rainbow and black gem spider. The only bad part about the bathroom is there are only three stalls. I want more stalls. There could have been a diamond stall!

Me in the rainbow bathroom. Taking bathroom selfies to a new level. 

7:40pm: Brenna arrives. She was the person who originally spoke to me about Little Cinema. She recently started working with them and I was intrigued by the idea since I have infinity for immersive theatre and live scored cinema. Sadly, she is too busy to get drinks before the show, so I go back to drinking with the other peasants.

Am I having fun yet?

7:45pm: House of Yes is attached to Mediterranean café called Queen of Falafel. And all I have to say is YAS KWEEN. I got an eggplant sandwich and it was so good. The pita was just so delicious. And no surprise because apparently the menu was created by the owner of Café Orlin which is absolutely one of my favorite places because they have fucking fantastic pita bread. Quality of bread is very important to me and to sandwiches.*

Oprah knows.

8:30pm: The film screening begins. There is someone dressed up as the iconic “Frank”, a six-foot tall bunny rabbit from the film sitting on the stage as the movie is introduced. After a brief introduction, a short film is played Caleb Wood an animation artist as the band Black Lodge plays. Although the short didn’t have anything to do directly with the film, it appealed to some of the same surreal qualities.

9:00pm: One of the seating options, besides the regular plain chairs and VIP cabaret style tables, was to watch the film submerged in a clawfoot bathroom. I saw this list on the ticket sales options thinking it was mostly a joke and also thinking who would pay $100 to be pruney in a bathtub during a movie. BUT to my great surprise a couple got into said bathtub. Now, it wouldn’t be my cup of tea to be steeping in a bathtub all night long but I’m glad that we live in a world where some people could and would say yes to the bathtub. 

9:30pm: A man begins to blow enormous bubbles. First using his hands, then using a giant wand, then using a giant string. The bubbles are timed with this scene creepy AF scene in the film. 

Man blowing bubble is 100% less terrifying though. .

10:30pm: Notorious by Duran Duran begins to play, as the fictional, silver-clad tween girl dance troop, Sparkle Motion, heats up the film with some fly-girl worthy moves which are mirrored on the House of Yes stage by adult dancers both male and female in almost identical silver outfits. 

 My first thought is why don't I wear more metallic lycra? My second thought is how impressed I am that the dance looks just as good in person as in the film. I mean these girls go to STAR SEARCH that's the 80s equivalent of youtube stardom. 

Don't worry crazy lady House of Yes is committed.

11:15pm: Four dancers dressed in skull costume come onstage and begin to do an interpretative dance. They unleash two giant air powered snake-like objects into the crowd (imagine fancy version of the dancing man at used car dealerships). And I mean giant. They are taller and longer than the room even though the performers gave it their best effort to squish them into the space.

These wreak havoc in the crowd as they pummel over drinks, hit people in the head, and putting out the tea light candles that adorned the tables with their artsy cascades. I am not sure I felt really immersed until I felt danger.

11:30pm: The final scene of the film plays as the live band plays an instrumental version of Mad World, the mopey Gary Jules cover of the strangely upbeat somewhat pro-suicide Tears for Fears** song covered by Gary Jules that launched a million hours of millennial moping.

*Sadly, it’s only open till 10pm though, which is unfortunate because it would be ideal drunk food before stumbling onto the L train from a House of Yes Bacchanal. I’ve found that Brooklyn really lacks quality late night eats, it’s like deli or another shittier deli. Do Brooklynites not also need $1 pizza at 2am? I cannot believe that.

How I feel when I can't get pizza at all times. 

**Personally, I like the Tears for Fears version better because the juxtaposition of the depressing lyrics with a kickin’ 80s beat adds more depth to the song and look at this music video?! Dance the pain away! DANCE!

Just look at the video and decide for yourself.

12.20.15 - Jonas Mekas is Bae

7:10pm: Arrive in the heart of Bushwick (off the Jefferson stop) to meet up with Arias to go to something she described as a “video/sound thing at Microscope Gallery.” That’s all she had to say and I was sold! Video AND sound? Shut the front door. How could I not go?

Truthfully, I had no other plans and I love Arias.  I usually enjoy the things she invites me to, because they are things I wouldn’t have found myself. Punk rock karaoke anyone? Free vegan meal and showing of a rando documentary from 1984 about Williamsburg? She expands my consciousness. She works at Silent Barn and used to work for MoMA P.S. 1 and has been involved with the New York scene for several years.

7:15pm: The room for the show is just a big white room with white folding chairs and about 5 film projectors set up in the middle of the room. The audience is a mostly older crowd. Everyone looks thoroughly artsy though. I think one person might have been actually wearing a beret.

7:30pm: The show begins with an introduction from someone from the gallery. She explains that this is part of their “Never Twice” series. A series devoted to “live moving image performance in the context of what is usually referred to as expanded cinema.” She then invites up the first performer/artist – Andrew Lambert. Andrew Lambert is wearing the typical – casual wrinkled button up and trousers “film dude” uniform – clothes that look like they could have been bought at Urban Outfitters. In my experience artists either look super nice or they look like super grungy. Either they use their appearance as an extension of their good taste or they wear crap because they “don’t care” and don’t have time to dress because they devote all their time to their art. Either way the look is a conscious decision by the artist. Don’t pretend that your look isn’t curated. 

Adam Lambert knows. 

So Andrew goes on about how he got SO bored with expanded cinema that he started experimenting with “contracted cinema.” A term he made up which means … I will never know because I would never go see his work again after tonight. 

This is the only contracted cinema I want to watch

His first piece is just a projection of generic landscape shots of the southwest with a Neil Young song playing. The “expanded” element is that he and two other people are playing the same video on a slight delay on their iPhone as they walk in front of the projection. I think in theory this could have been moderately interesting if the subject matter was interesting or if the iPhones were playing something different but since the subject matter was boring it was boring. Also Andrew like contorted his body so he could be against the wall and lower. He looked ridiculous. The whole performance looked like a trope. Like as if we were in a Wes Anderson film that was making fun of expanded cinema.

Andrew’s second piece was “a Christmas piece.” He played terrible Christmas music on a poorly tuned electric guitar as two helpers used green and red gels to make red and green shapes on the walls. The helpers moved the gels around to make different shapes. The lights were very harsh and also since the projectors were slightly broken they were blinking very quickly almost like a super fast strobe light. That blinking paired with the god-awful guitar playing made me nauseous. To be fair, art is supposed to make you feel something and I felt ill. Once Andrew was done paying awful guitar he went up to the where the light was projecting and hung up corny Christmas decoration on the wall. He then held up the Bing Crosby Christmas album on vinyl and LET IT DROP TO THE GROUND, which to me was the most offensive part of the piece. That is a good album sir- much better than your self-involved shitty art performance.

This man is an American treasure! 

8:00pm: Intermission. Arias’ friend Alex turns to his friend Asa and apologizes for taking us here. It’s fine Alex, you didn’t know!

8:10pm: The second artist begins - Rose Kallal. She doesn’t have a long soliloquy before his performance. She just quickly introduced it and begins. Her piece is 4 short film loops projected against the wall while she scores a music piece live with a modular synth. I like this piece better. The images are very pretty and a tad mezmorizing as they loop. The score adds something to the mood of the images which change with the tone of the sound. However, the piece is too long. The loops are only about 20-30 seconds each and the piece lasts for what feels like an eternity. Towards the middle my thoughts wandered to other things, my tasks for tomorrow and where to eat dinner. Then after thinking about that for several minutes my thoughts just turned to “when will this be over?” “Can this be over?” “stop” “BE OVER.” I was basically trying to will her to stop. It was so long people like got up to go to the bathroom. When people can’t hold it that’s TOO LONG.

8:30pm: A discussion begins about the pieces. Andrew, the artist, is one of the least articulate most insipid people I have heard speak in recent years. Some of his gems include: “I’m really excited by working with broken projectors” and “Your phone is the biggest source of expanded cinema because they have the interent” and it’s like… yes we are aware that our phones have the Internet... 

BUT also you're wrong...

Now, I am open minded. I go to things like this fairly often and have an appreciation for contemporary art and performance. But some of the art and the performances are just terrible bullshit. It’s like how some techno is transcended bliss and some just sounds like a car alarm. So it may sound like I am ragging on expanded cinema but really I just thought these performances were terrible and fine, respectively, . 

#sorrynotsorry

8:40pm: To confirm my opinion, the OG avant-garde filmmaker, Jonas Mekas who was sitting in the back of the room just entered the conversation. The gallery is showing his 365 day project where he decided to film every day of his life in 2007. Jonas Mekas is 92 and he says what everyone is thinking. He started verbally assaulting  Andrew Lambert’s work and says there was nothing “expanded” about his cinema. He then goes on to also say that the second piece could “maybe” be considered expanded cinema or experimental - if it took place in the 1960s. BAM! Slaying me. I love this man. PRAISE JONAS MEKAS. I want to be a super famous 92 years old on panels dismissing the young folk who are minimizing the field I helped to expand and create. 

Watch the video below, part of Jonas Mekas 365 day project, and tell me you don't love Jonas Mekas. 

8:45pm: Then Andrew asks if a little girl, about age 4 or 5, who I am assuming is his daughter, can sing to us. She asked to sing to us. Everyone agrees. She goes up to the front of the room and stands there for a minute hesitating. She then just lets out one loud cry and runs away. And there you have it – avant garde singing folks. She’s already a performance artist that one.

12.18.15 - The Elephant in the Room

11:00pm: Arrive in Fort Greene for a White Elephant Christmas Party. This is the 4th of about a bazillion Christmas parties in the last two weeks. Three of my girl friends live in the apartment above three of our guy friends. So basically it’s millennial Friends except instead of living across the street from an ugly naked guy they live across the street from the Projects.

11:30pm: We begin White Elephant (sometimes known as dirty Santa). So for those who haven’t played White Elephant – it’s the worst game ever. It’s basically just like mean spirited secret Santa. The point  of the game is to steal gifts, like the Grinch, and we were all read that book or saw that movie learned stealing gifts is wrong boys & girls! 

So in the game, the first person picks a gift from a pile of wrapped gifts then the second person decides whether they want to steal the first person’s gift or open another gift, and so on and so forth until all the presents are open. There is then a SECOND round where everyone’s around and can steal presents. Why is there a second round? No idea. 

 Another rule: each gift can only be stolen twice and then it’s locked. I have no idea why this rule exists. It seems like if the point of the game is to steal presents and be sneaky there should be no limit on steals because of course all the good shit will get “locked” and then it’s just the crap no one wants anyway. If it was a nice game, it would just be like a grab bag of gifts and there would be no stealing. Since it isn’t a nice game and you can steal there shouldn’t be a limit on stealing. Like think about this in terms of life - like oh, it’s fine if you rob someone twice but three times? WHAT ARE YOU AN ANIMAL?

Makes no sense. So I know this game is fairly harmless and as adult where all the gifts are pretty much joke gifts anyways – it doesn’t really matter. I mean the limit on our gifts was $10. BUT as a child, this game really emotionally scarred me. I remember playing at a Christmas party when I was about 6 and not understanding why I didn’t get to keep the cool M&M candy dispenser thing I had opened. I OPENED IT; it’s mine – that’s how gifts had always worked. Why did I end up with a disgusting deck of playing cards? So I have a long held grudge against this game from when I was 6. I know it’s irrational but this hate is really locked into my brain. 

Mine! MIne! Mine! Dammit!

11:35pm: I open the first present. It’s a white Star Wars Storm Trooper helmet that comes with marker so you can color it any pattern you want. Considering my Dad has two lighted glass cabinets full of Star Wars memorabilia at our house I don’t think I need this item but I could always re-gift it so it’s a pretty solid selection. My gift is immediately stolen by the second person. Of course. So I open another gift...

What's in this box? Who the hell cares because bitches gonna steal it anyways. 

 it’s a Breaking Bad Walter White bobble head doll. I am surprised the first two gifts have been toys, I was under the impression we were all getting alcohol and joke sex gifts - but okay guys very PG here. I really don’t want them it’s creeping me out; it comes in its underwear. I like breaking bad but having a doll of a meth cook/dealer who ultimately dies in my apartment I think would probably haunt my nightmares.

Merry Christmas Bitch. 

11:40pm: The presents opening and present stealing continues. Someone was gifted a cute animal calendar and a bonus gift/challenge Smirnoff Ice. So they got iced and had to chug the Smirnoff Ice. Do you think Smirnoff started this trend of Smirnoff Ice as a punishment to boost sales?

11:40pm: Someone opens the gift I brought. For my gift, I bought the most practical gift I could think of for under $10; condoms. Nothing says Merry Christmas like not contracting Chlamydia.

Wrap it before you tap it.

11:50pm: The first round is over. Now comes a round of stealing.  I really don’t want this breaking bad doll so I steal “miracle berries.” Miracle berries are apparently derived from a fruit native to West Africa. A chemical in the fruit is supposed to change your taste buds temporarily so sour fruits taste sweet. I was the only person who hadn’t heard of them but I thought that seemed like a fun activity. Maybe shitty beer would finally be tolerable. After I stole them all of my friends said that they are often used for oral sex. I believe this but personally I think that if you can’t handle the taste of your ladylove au natural then maybe you should question her personal hygiene practices or go get tested together for Chlamydia. Just saying…

He or She may seem innocent but don't be fooled - protect yourself

11:55pm: So of course, the miracle berries get stolen and now I have left with the children’s book Goodnight Moon. Why someone bought this book to a gift change with all adults I am not sure… Maybe someone would have needed it in 10 months if I hadn’t given him or her the condoms but as of right now I know no babies. I think my friend bought it was with good intentions, it was $9 but like we are a bunch of 24 year olds why would I want this?

Preach Lucy PREACH!

12:00pm: Since I went first, I get another chance to steal BUT all the gifts I would actually want have already been stolen twice (BECASE OF THE DUMB RULE) so I am stuck with this dumb children’s book. GOODNIGHT DUMB GAME. Next year I vote we do an alcohol grab bag exchange. Who seconds the nomination?

12.14.15 - For Crown & Curry

6:10pm: I arrive home with a giant bag of groceries because I made the cardinal mistake of going groceries shopping while hungry. I ended up with like 2 bags of pop chips, salsa, 2 different giant jars of pickles(got two to test out different brands) and forgot 2 ingredients for the dinner I was making. I am making chicken massaman curry with basmati brown rice and a green salad.I forgot the peanuts and cilantro. 

Me at the grocery store,  "I should probably get 18 hams just to be safe - wait I'm making chicken."

Katie is waiting outside my building because Katie is always on time or early and I said 6:00pm – so she’s already been here for 20 minutes. Whoops!

6:30pm: Brenna arrives. I have asked her to grab some plain unsalted roasted peanuts on her way since I forgot. She stopped into Duane Reade thinking they would have peanuts, as peanuts are normal food item/snack food. Well Duane Reade had honey roasted peanuts, spicy peanuts, thai chili peanuts, BBQ peanuts but no plain peanuts. So Brenna being creative bought a pack of mixed roasted nuts and proceeded to sort out the peanuts from the other nuts on my kitchen table. Now that is a true friend.

6:35pm: I begin cooking the curry. Now I cook Thai Curry the traditional way, meaning I combine curry paste from a can with words in Thai & English (authentic) with a can of coconut milk. If you’re not familiar with curry pastes, they are the best – so easy and cheap. I didn’t realize until I was like 21 that curry isn’t a spice. I thought it was a spice because growing up my mom had a jar labeled“curry powder” on the spice rack, but this is actually just a blend of spices that western (white) people call curry powder because we are idiots. Curry is essentially just a way of preparing the food with lots of spices.** Curry i.e. the world’s favorite dish created to hide the smell and taste of spoiled meat.

Who cares that this meat is questionable, tikka masala is my favorite. 

7:00pm: Curry still isn’t ready. I had a bunch of potatoes I had to get rid of so I put them into the curry. I never cook potatoes because I am not an Irish Peasant in the first half of the 19th century*, and since I never cook potatoes I forgot how long the damn tubers take to cook. And undercooked potatoes are disgusting you might as well be eating Styrofoam. So as I wait for these dumb filler food, not vegetables to cook the actual vegetables in the curry are overcooking even though I put them in way way later. DAMN YOU POTATOES!

7:20pm: We sit down for dinner.

The Curry is good, mild. It’s the first time I have made a Thai curry that wasn’t so spicy it made Katie cry.***

Tears of freaking Joy because it was SO GOOD. 

7:45pm: Open a second bottle of Pinot Noir, called Light Horse, the first bottle of Pinot Noir was called Dark Horse. These are not the same company. There was no planning to this. The universe is fucking with me. The real question is why are there so many wines named after horses? Concerning. Be even more freaked out when you read this PETA article about why wine isn’t vegan.

Leto can't not drink the vino - duh

8:00pm: We put on the Thomas Crown Affair starring Pierce Bronsnan, which I have never seen. It’s sort of James Bond but with no killing, a very rich smart man steals a painting.  It’s a very silly movie, which would have you suspend logic in many ways. SPOILERS AHEAD So - #1 He takes the painting out of the frame and puts it in a special briefcase but the painting still has the wood stretchers behind it. How does he fold a painting that still has the wood? #2 How does one paint over an oil painting with WATERCOLOR paint so convincingly? Is that even possible?  #3 It is never explained how he steals a painting from behind metal security lock down doors. But it is an entertaining movie, there is a very nice see-thru dress scene, witty banter, topless sunbathing, and the leading lady drinks GREEN JUICE in 1999 and it’s a big thing. No one would even bat an eye at anyone drinking anything green now. Green Juice is the new water.

Somethings change but Pierce always parties like it's 1999

*Obviously as most people know the Irish Potato Famine occurred in the 1840s and then sadly Irish peasants weren’t eating anything…

**I am not quite sure that this definition is correct either. Indian/Thai friends please just correct me if this is wrong. Thank you.

12.13.15 - Return of the Christmas Party

6:30pm: Arrive in Greenpoint for a Star Wars Viewing Party / Unofficial Office Christmas party. Star Wars fever has officially swept the office. Since it’s a film production company and 90% of the workers went to film school there is some serious Star Wars nerding happening. Earlier in the month, the office held a viewing of the first two Star Wars films in preparation for the opening of The Force Awakens. Tonight, we are watching the third and final film in the original trilogy - Return of the Jedi.  We have Star Wars themed mugs, Star Wars themed candy, Star Wars chopsticks, Star Wars paper airplanes. People are listing facts about the production of the films, the editing of the films and the music in the films, etc. I am probably the least knowledgable about Star Wars trivia and I am wearing a Darth Vader onesie, Princess Leia buns & limited edition silver Star Wars X Cover Girl lipstick.* I left my storm trooper helmet purchased in Disney World in 1995 at home because it would restrict my premium viewing of the movie. MUST SEE EVERY GOLD BIKINI, EWOK FILLED, HAND LIGHTNING PRECIOUS MOMENT.

6:50pm: One employee, Erica has never seen this film and up until the viewing a couple weeks ago hadn’t seen the first two movies. She essentially had no knowledge of the films – to the point where she was actually in shock when she learned that - SPOILER ALERT (for no one but Erica) - Darth Vader is Luke’s father. LIKE HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW THIS? It’s literally in pop culture everywhere. Like even if you haven’t’ seen the movie, hadn’t you heard the line “I am your father” like 100 times?

So when I ask her this she claims that she had heard that phrase but didn’t understand the context and thought it was like a joke – because it would be ridiculous if the villain were the hero’s father. Which further leads me to believe that Erica has not read any books (especially Oedipus) or seen any movies ever. She is also like the nicest person ever – so I now have a theory that she is an alien. It’s the only thing that explains complete lack of basic cultural knowledge and genuine kindness from someone who has lived in NYC for over a year.

7:00pm: The SAGA continues. We push play on Return of the Jedi. I owned this movie as a child and watched it many many times but I haven’t seen it in probably the last five years at least.  Not sure why, probably for the simple reason of haven’t lived at home for the last five years and the VHS is at home. Yes, I am that lazy. Fun fact about my childhood though, my parents, owned all three Star Wars movies but believing that the 2nd movie was far too traumatic and violent. Therefore they did not let me watch the 2nd Star Wars movie until I was 12. So my sister & I watched Episode I and Episode III and just had to fill in the blanks. “Wait, why is Han Solo in a big rock?” “Luke has a robot hand now?” “DARTH VADER IS LUKE’S FATHER?” “Who the fuck is this little green man who can’t talk….”

My parents to a five year old me. 

I think maybe my parents gave us a brief synopsis but I am pretty sure they just let us believe there is a giant time jump between the two films and then showed us the Ewok Movie. They were not fulfilling George Luca’s artistic vision.

9:10pm: The DVD starts to skip.  Everyone freaks out.

We DO have a blue-ray disc BUT the blue-ray disc has the new ending where they have superimposed Hayden Christianson as Anakin Skywalker in the final scene instead of having the dead old white man Darth Vader. So we try to fix the DVD but alas it is too broken so we have to watch the edited film and everyone groans when they see Anakin in the final scene and when there is the digital versions of every city EVER featured in all 6 movies cheering and celebrating at the end. I am wondering like who told everyone?

This is the scene that sparked the outcry. Poor Hayden Christensen, Natali Portman survived the hate of Episodes I-III movies but you sir sadly you did not. 

9:30pm: The movie concludes. Erica’s mind is blown. She is quite excited now for the Force Awakens. Most people agree that she doesn’t need to see Episodes I-III.

I disagree – not because I think that Episode I-III are super good or probably necessary to understand the new movie  – BUT I think she needs to see them because all the film nerds seem to think these movies are absolutely terrible. Therefore she should see them so she can fully appreciate the new movie, which film nerds seem to think will be the second coming... of good Star Wars films. It’s the salt that’s necessary to highlight the sweetness of the cookie. THE SWEET SWEET SPACE COOKIE.***

*Yes, there were limited edition Star Wars lipsticks, six in total, 3 “light-side” and 3 “dark-side” and yes I might have ordered all of them online. Mostly because they are actually pretty bossy lipsticks. They are all metallic and who doesn’t want semi-precious lips? I know I do! I’ll take any opportunity to look like a sexy space alien.

Even Lord Vader knows the importance of lipstick

**The Ewok movie is a thing (although apparently it’s officially called The Ewok Adventure or Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure) and if you haven’t’ seen it… don’t see it because it is terribly sad and why my parents let me watch that emotionally scarring movie and not Episode V I will never know. Also it is just like sort of a terrible movie, it was actually a made for TV movie. 

Anyone else have this VHS?

Also all remember that Ewok's eat human flesh and wanted to roast Han & Luke alive in the Return of the Jedi

***Unless of course the Force Awakens actually sucks. BUT IT WON’T SUCK BECAUSE IT CAN’T. It won’t, it won’t, it won’t, please….

12.12.15 - Not SantaCon

6:15pm: I arrive at Katie’s apartment for her 2nd Annual Christmas Cookie Exchange. What is a cookie exchange you ask? Well, basically every attendee of the party bakes a couple dozen cookies (NO STORE BOUGHT COOKIES as per Katie's command) and then exchanges their cookies with other people’s cookies. It’s a pretty simple party idea usually executed by suburban housewives and geriatrics but Katie being Katie has brought the cookie swap to millennial Brooklyn. Mostly making it a “millennial” party just means that in addition to cookies, there is copious amounts of alcohol & cheap pizza. 

Katie is very excited about this party. Katie sent out the invitations for the party the day after Halloween.  Two weeks ago she frantically posted that we all must post the type of cookie we were bringing so that there could be a nice variety without duplicates. Katie is very serious about Christmas because she really really loves Christmas. Therefore have very strict rules for her Christmas party.

Katie is at this level of Christmas excitement... 

And this level of Christmas aggression. 

One of her rules is that that no one could wear all black, and must wear something festive. I will wear festive clothing on actual christmas but A. it's 60 degrees out and B. It's like 2 weeks away from actual Christmas. I have not accepted that Christmas is all of December now - it gets maybe MAYBE 12 days at most from me. 

YES IT IS SANTA!!! Stop trying to exploit money from me. 

Therefore, I would like to wear normal clothes because it's Saturday and I am going out in the actual world after this.  I wear all black all the time and told Katie that black was the color of the night sky in Bethlehem when the baby Jesus was born and therefore it is a Christmas color. She did not accept this, and said “well there were stars, so you better be wearing something sparkly – at least sequins. As I said, she is very serious about Christmas. So fearing her wrath I found some old candy cane earrings in the back of my jewelry drawer, slapped on some red lipstick and tried to make myself festive. 

When people force me to be festive. 

6:45pm: A great cookie selection this year. All the usual suspects were there - gingerbread men, peanut butter, chocolate chip & oatmeal raisin, as well as a few more obscure treats – "Christmas Crack", whoopie pies, kolatchke... I made chocolate fudge with bourbon sugar & chewy molasses cookies. Why did I make two things? Well these are the two things I made last year, one was mine and one was technically my sister’s cookie, because she didn’t want to bake. These treats require obscure ingredients such as Maldon salt & Dark Molasses. So I figured “waste not want not” and literally shopped my pantry to make these cookies.

My fudge

Katie made her signature rum balls, recipe direct from her grandmother. She lowered the rum in the recipe by ½ and they still taste like straight rum. All the kiddos must have been drunk at Katie’s family Christmas events.

Dramatic Reenactment of Katie's family Christmas 

 Mason, the Ron Swanson of the party, who brought ribs last year and who doesn’t bake made these:

Yes that is crispy bacon pieces topped with a melted white chocolate KitKat bars and yes they weredelicious. One could eat them while watching this video... 

10:30pm: About four hours, 100 cookies, 10 bottles of wine, 4 batches of spiked cider and 7 pizzas later the party is winding down. Everyone is trying to rally to go to their next party or event because it’s Saturday and people are popular. Lauren & I roll out the door and into our Uber Pool to head to Bed Stuy.

10:45pm: Lauren’s friend from college, Andrew Devlon, a local NY DJ and idea guy at Level , is hosting an art show slash party at his apartment. The show is part of Neighboring Walls, a series of art shows in apartments of local artists. The event is BYO and anyone is welcome to show his or her art. I love the idea of a relaxed art show for local artists because it’s a way for people to show their art in a relatively pressure free environment. The apartment is a great space for the art party with high ceilings and a built in, home-music-studio where Devlon and his friends are djing the party. There is a large variety of local artwork on the wall, and lots of cheese. I think there is an unwritten rule that you can’t have an art show without at least two types cheese & crackers. Free art shows (and free cheese) attract all sorts of people. We met someone who is professional rock climber (who knew this was even a thing?) & a farmer and then chatted with someone studying to become a Rabbi. Well Brooklyn is nothing if not diverse.

Photo from a previous show - source: http://neighboringwalls.com/

Photo from a previous show - source: http://neighboringwalls.com/

1:15am: We head out from the art show to our third destination of the night, The Good Room. Efdemin, a Berlin-based techno DJ who often plays the infamous Berghain has top billing tonight.

2:00am: Efdemin goes on. The dance floor has filled up quite a bit. I am enjoying Efdemin although people are crowding my dance space. His style is very dreamy and sounds like you’ve entered your techno alien love landscape.

1. 0:00 Efdemin - Parallaxis (The Borderland State rmx) (DIAL/unreleased) 2. 5:30 The Persuader - Hymn to him (CONCRETE MUSIC) 3. 6:50 Asusu - Rendering (LIVETY SOUND) 4. 12:12 DJ QU - Eden (YYGREC) 5. 16:42 Octave One - Meridian (430 WEST RECORDS) 6. 21:18 Prince of Denmark - Cut untitled cut (FORUM) 7. 26:30 Rennie Foster - Monochasm (XPLOR MUSIC) 8. 30:59 The Oliverwhofactory - Moonhacker (MADD CHAISE INC) 9. 34:46 Karlist - Skinns Off (RUSSIAN TORRENT VERSION) 10. 36:46 Jeff Mills - DeJohnette (PURPOSE MAKER) 11. 38:55 Staffan Linzatti - On whose behalf (SEARCHLIGHTS) 12. 42:00 Steve Stoll - Echoepark (SYNEWAVE) 13. 43:40 DJ QU - Undescribed (Believer) (Semesters) 14. 46:20 Planetary Assaul System - Serc (MOTE EVOLVER) 15. 48:31 Kim Rapatti - Untitled (mood ep) (PLUG RESEARCH) 16. 51:11 Claudio Mate - Everything´s Okay in Detroit (deep mix) (KLAP KLAP) 17. 54:20 Kim Rapatti - The future (DUM) 18. 55:30 Terrence Dixon - The Study (TRESOR) 19. 58:25 Eshu - Cesium (ESHU RECORDS) 20. 1:01:48 Christian Morgenstern - Miscellaneous 02 (KANZLERAMT) 21. 1:07:03 E.R.P. - Pith (Frustrated Funk)

2:45am: Sometimes the most entertaining place to be is ladies bathroom. Not in a weird way but because ladies in NYC say the weirdest shit, all the time. Especially once intoxicated. I overheard a girl say to complete strangers “We all have to go on our own hair journey.” She did have great hair, but like, who talks about their “hair journey.” What is a hair journey? What differentiates a hair journey from a hair quest? I think the only people who have actually been on a hair journey are the guy who climbed up Rapunzel’s braids or the actual band Journey.

3:00am: The crowd has thinned out tremendously yet some spastic dude still manages to invade my personal space elbow me in the face and step on my foot. He’s so out of it he doesn’t even apologize like a regular human. Then when I go to the bar, this dude kept telling Lauren and I jokes and would not fucking leave us alone. When I didn’t laugh at his jokes, he said “did you not get it?” No, I got it, I just didn’t think it was funny. Dude: “no you just didn’t understand.” NO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE BRO.

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

At this moment, Lauren points out that the entire crowd is super “basic.” It looks like everyone decided today that they were going to go to “da club” and literally don’t know or care who is playing. They also look like they have drunk way too much, taken way too many drugs and just in general are there to get fucked up. There are girls in heels for Christ’s sake – who wears heels to a techno show?

One cannot boogie for several hours in heels

Now I try not to be mean-spirited and judge people, but sometimes people are just the worst and these people were actually the worst. When did the rude Manhattan party crowd start coming to Greenpoint? I didn’t know they knew this neighborhood existed. It’s so out of the way. Is it because Lena Dunham's character - Hannah from HBO’s Girls lives in Greenpoint? Probably. Ugh, just another way Girls is ruining my life. Lauren’s theory is that that maybe because SantaCon was in Williamsburg this year, these people decided to go out to Verboten and Output and then when those places were full or too expensive they were like well there is this place called Good Room** maybe we should go there? One dude wearing an elf hat verified this theory. So even though the music as good, we left because I don’t want to be stepped on, creeped on, or witness an overdose.

Drinking while wearing a Santa Costume is not cute guys. 

3:30am: As we walk from Greenpoint to Williamsburg I keep getting cat called and glared at on the street. Apparently guys are really turned on by my festive Christmas outfit. Like I am showing no cleavage and wearing timberlands. One guy walked along side Lauren & I and talked to me for five minutes and then asked for my number. Like “no STRANGER”. Does this pick-up technique usually work for you? What is happening? WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?! Should have just worn the usual black because apparently creepy dudes love Christmas as much as Katie.

PREACH

*Maybe Katie read this article... or actually maybe she wrote it. 

**This is not a critique of Good Room overall. I have been to Good Room many other times in the past months and this is the first time this has happened. Usually the crowd is nice and just wants to boogie. 

11.08.15 - James Bore

8:10pm: I arrive 10 minutes late for the 8:00pm showing of Spectre, the new James Bond movie. There are still previews playing so I decide to get the world’s largest diet coke and some bunch a crunch, the world’s best movie candy. The people in line in front of me are acting like it is Sophie’s choice deciding which candy to purchase. Come on people, the previews can’t possibly be more than 15 minutes I need to go watch the first car chase or whatever the opening action sequence will evidentially be. I have seen all the James Bond movies. My dad owned them all when I was younger and we watched them all. I also owned the Goldeneye N64 videogame. I was always Odd Job because he was shorter than everyone else and hard to shoot.

Last year, I bought my Dad a CD with all the theme songs. I mean some are terrible but “Diamonds are Forever”, “Live & Let Die” and “Nobody Does it Better” are classics.

8:20pm: I guess the previews actually could be longer than 15 minutes because they are still playing and I make it in time for the first action sequence which actually involves no cars but instead is focused on a very silly fight in a helicopter. According to action movies, evil villains have an endless supply of helicopters to help them escape from pursuit. Evil villains are the biggest consumers of helicopters, black suits, eye patches & white fluffy cats.

A Dog person would never plot to take over the world that's for sure. 

8:30pm: Least favorite Bond credits ever. They feature clips from past movies.  SPOILER ALERT. They also heavily feature octopuses because the octopus is the symbol for Spectre. During several parts the credits look like Japanese tentacle porn… I am not into it. Misogyny in Bond Films is one thing but once you start getting into bestiality  I am done.

DONE!

10:50pm: 150 very long minutes later the movie ends. My verdict: boring. Sorry people who liked the movie, I was super bored. Also Daniel Craig just looks bored. I think he is tired. I won’t get too into the specifics as not to spoil the plot but I would not recommend seeing it or just watch it when it’s on DVD so you can multi-task or fast forward to make it go quicker. Now I just want to go home and watch Goldfinger and listen to Skyfall by Adele.

Goldfinger: A girl gets painted gold and there is a character named "Pussy Galore" - this film is amazing. 

For more about why this movie is not good read this Rolling Stone article.

11.07.15 - Great Lakes

11:00pm: WHOOPS. I wake up from an accidental 3 and a half hour nap. I went to sleep at 730pm set 3 alarms for 830pm but apparently I turned them all off. I have no memory of this. This is why I stopped day drinking, because boozy brunch turns into afternoon drinking which turns into falling asleep for “naps” and waking up hung over on Saturday nights. Hence my love/hate relationship for Brunch. I love poached eggs but pre-fixes with drinks are my downfall. I wake up to about 12 text messages and 2 missed calls.

I was supposed to meet Lauren for Floating Points live set at Music Hall of Williamsburg. Missed it. Luckily I didn’t actually pay for a ticket, I had a Jukely pass so I just am filled with regret for missing the experience and not remorse for wasting money. Love Jukely. I feel like I work for Jukely with the amount of time I spend explaining Jukey to people and telling people they should get Jukely.* I start to get ready, chug some rally coffee and try to get out the door before midnight.

12:30pm: I arrive in Brooklyn to meet up with Sara at a house party in Williamsburg. The apartment is down the street from Baby’s Alright  & Peter Lugar in South Williamsburg and it’s the whole building. So I think technically it’s a house. I walk through the door and there is a couple ferociously making out on the sofa/bed.  The next room is completely packed with people. There are free individually packaged black & white cookies on the counter. Almost no one is speaking English.  There is a backyard with a HOT TUB? It’s not open but that’s not even the point, who the fuck has a hot tub in New York. Hello owner of this apartment? Where are you and can I be your best friend?

I volunteer to be said bitch 

Where has Sara led me? I find Sara down the stairs in the basement with a handsome DJ on a nice sound system and party lighting. Why do all house parties now have some with super nice equipment DJing? Is it because everyone wants to be a “producer” and bought like 5K worth of equipment and then just went back to their day job and now just loans it out for parties so they feel like it wasn’t wasted. Is everyone friends with people who are actual DJs now? Not sure. I am not against it but it just really puts my party music of the Bluetooth speaker and my Pandora stations to shame.

1:00am: I buy a Gatorade from the bodega. They have my favorite flavor “radioactive blue” or more commonly known as Glacier Freeze. I buy a Gatorade and chips because I am SO hung over from earlier today and I need the hydration to dance. Not my proudest moment but the techno calls and I need some rally juice.

This vintage gatorade commetical accurately depicts how gatorade makes me feel.

1:30am: Arrive at the Good Room in Greenpoint to see Voices from the Lake. They are playing as part of the Brooklyn Electronic Musical Festival, or BEMF for short. They let me in with my Gatorade so now this is my favorite venue/club ever. They know a good dance party needs electrolytes. The bar at the Good Room also has chugs of water and cups on the bar because they aren’t jerks who feel the need to sell you $5 bottles of water and shame you for ordering tap water. Everyone needs water, the sober people, the people drinking, the people dancing and the people on drugs. And let’s be honest, denying people water is just going to led to people tipping the bartender less and more people throwing up in your bathrooms in the long run.

WATER!

3:00am: Voices from the Lake are really impressing me. Lauren often says the artists she wants to see are going to be epic. I think she has great taste in music, but we have slightly different taste in music. Sometimes I don’t love the people she loves, but I think Voices from the Lake really lived up to her hype. If there was such a thing as Techno hype man, I think that would be the perfect job for Lauren. YO YO YO, THIS PRODUCER IS LAYING DOWN HEAVY BEATS FROM SPACE, GONNA MAKE YOU WISH IT WAS 1999 AND ECSTASY WAS STILL A THING – CAUSE THAT’S HOW CRAZY MY BOYZ VOICE FROM THE FUCKING LAKE ARE YO!  

3:20am: There is about a 2:1 or maybe 3:1 ratio of guys to girls here this evening. So there is a huge line for the men’s room but none for the ladies room. TOOO BLESSED. Then I find $10 in the ladies room. Is this the best night ever? 

4:30am: VFTL ends and the dance floor is still pretty packed. Since I had that “power nap” or complete REM cycle plus a cup of coffee, I am quite awake. Lauren & I head to the BEMF after party in Bushwick.

5:30am: This is the most actual “after hours” after party I have ever been to. They are selling all sorts of snacks including but not limited to GATORADE, bananas, coconut water, ramen & granola bars. They are also (illegally) selling beer & liquor and it’s not even particularly expensive. Everyone is smoking inside like its 1985 or Nevada. It is a ridiculous place. Someone started a fire in the bathroom with a cigarette butt! I run into more people I know from the techno mafia who were at Daniel Avery earlier. I also met Leif the rapper, who seems like a super cool dude. Having a great time except here the ratio is about a 4:1 of men to women so everyone is hitting on me hard. Dude, if you didn’t find a lady to take home at the first place you aren’t going to pull one here.

GO AWAY BOYS

I ask a techno mafia member to pretend to be my boyfriend. I leave shortly after the sun has fully risen. There is a skylight and the sun is shining through. It’s so early I take the subway home. I almost feel like a productive member of society. GOOD MORNING NEW YORK.

*Please follow this link for a description of Jukely. If you go to shows/concerts at Output, Verboten, Baby’s Alright, Music Hall of Williamsburg, Terminal 5, Webster Hall, Le Poisson Rouge, etc at least twice a month you should probably get Jukely. And if you’re a procrastinator like me, they often have passes for shows that are already sold out. Or “members” only shows at small venues. I saw Courtney Barnett at Baby’s Alright last month, and I got a free poster and a decent tote bag. I should probably stop telling people to get it so there are less people vying for passes and I just get to go to everything I want all the time.

10.31.15 - Halloweekend Part 2: Robot Heart

1:30am: We arrive at the Robot Heart Halloween Party at the Brooklyn Hanger in Sunset Park, Brooklyn. In order to buy tickets for this party, you needed to buy them on a secret website with a password and have a secret code to actually purchase tickets. I didn’t know the website, have the password or the passcode but my friend really wanted to go. So she did what any enterprising New Yorker would do and she bought 8 tickets secondhand off Craigslist. Lesson to be learned - where there is a will there is a way. So I am rolling deep with my “squad”, seven lovely ladies wearing loads of glitter ready for a night on the town.

READY TO SHINE. The guy in the back is our Uber XL driver

I worked very little on my costume for tonight. I wore my light up sneakers. Yes I own light up sneakers- you can plug them into the wall to charge them. What a glorious time we live in where I can plug in my shoes. I ordered them directly from China on AliExpress. Accompanying my shoes, I put on all the sparkly things I could find; a gold bathing suit, a fluffy white tutu, a gold skirt an as much glitter as I could physically apply to my body and a bunch of sparkly costume jewelry.

Dramatic reenactment of me getting ready

I titled my costume “good energy.” Somewhat as joke but also because I wasn’t really dressed as anything except a comfy raver. POSI VIBES Y’ALL. <3

Hmm or maybe I look like a deranged raver cheerleader?

1:45am: So about this party… Robot Heart is one of the most well-known camps at Burning Man. It’s THE “music destination” in Black Rock City often hosting electronic artists such as Lee Burridge and more recently mainstream favorites like Diplo & Skrillex (collectively known as Jack Ü). That being said, the scene at this party right now is what I imagine the rich people scene is like at Burning Man; lots of older gentlemen, lots of models and lots of European people.

I am basing this image off articles & instagram and hearsay because I have never “burned” but I have the Internet and have done quite a bit of research on the the "playa.”* The scene at this party was probably more extreme because we aren’t in the fucking desert. There was even an article on Vogue.com (written by someone who has done the bare minimum of research on Burning Man, Robot Heart and music)** about the party with suggestions with what to wear – most of which seems like Victoria Secret Angels do Burning Man.

The dance floor at Robot Heart

As I am neither a tech entrepreneur nor a model I feel a bit like a pauper at the feast wearing a costume I threw together that night. But my comfy light up sneakers sure definitely better on the dance floor than the 5 inch heels the models were wearing with their all lingerie costumes. They did a good job of turning the Brooklyn Hanger into a destination, but it’s still a warehouse in Sunset Park with port-a-potties and mysterious black dust that falls on you form the ancient ceiling.

That being said the costumes are pretty amazing. About a quarter of the people are dressed as a “Burning Man” attendee wearing outfits they had obviously made for burning man and not Halloween. Honestly, I would do this too if I had spent tons of time on an amazing costume that I usually only get to wear for one week a year. People had tried to make them be more Halloween-themed. They added a mask or headpieces to make themselves into animals so their outfits were more of a true “costume.” The other 50% also have amazing costumes. Par level being “I got my make-up professionally done and this costume is custom made”. I hope these are being reused and if not they are being donated to one of the resale & thrift stores I frequent. I am very impressed and we spend time in the lobby people watching.

Looking fierce betches

1:00am: And the clock switches back. Daylight Savings! Halloween, Saturday & Daylights Savings: a recipe for either the best or the worst night ever…. However, if I died on Halloween, I could come back to the earth for Sunday 11/01 for Dia De Los Muertos.

1:15am: For the first 30 or 45 minutes a very boring band was playing. They weren’t bad… but it wasn’t music you could dance to. It was slow and intense. I think the party was trying to be interesting, but sometimes it’s better to be basic and play music that make people want to groove. Luckily the next act is a DJ and he brings the crowd alive. The visuals switch to picture of Storm Troopers and the Yoda. Am I at a Star Wars Rave? Note to self - I should throw a NYE Star Wars Rave...time and place TBD.

3:20am: I am at the bar and I notice this extremely tall, very handsome man dressed up as the terminator. His metallic machine make-up is perfection. I do a double take to stare at him some more because 1. His costume is on point and 2. He’s super handsome.  I look at him again and I realize that he is a Winklevoss twin, of the Facebook-suing, Olympic-rowing Winklevi. Where am I?

I love fancy parties and I love dancing in warehouses, but fancy warehouse parties just seem a little wrong to me. Watching the models not dance in their heels and hobble down the steps confirms this for me. Heels are a commitment to a cab and a chair.

5:00am: One of my squadettes tells me that the rest of the crew is downstairs. Downstairs? What there is a downstairs? I go downstairs and there is a basement with glowing circles and a 3D projector scene with bean bags. Why wasn’t I here ages ago?

6:00am: We run into a man dressed in a Peter Pan outfit and by Peter Pan Outfit I mean he was wearing green leggings, glitter and a hat. Lauren and Caitlin had seen him earlier and were raving about him. He had boundless energy still. Leaping around and dancing. He said "let's dance BUT friend zone ladies." Which was nice because multiple people had accosted Caitlin throughout the night. She is pretty, blonde and smiles a lot which apparently and according to society that is what all men want. 

FRIEND ZONE WENDY FRIEND ZONE #FRIENDZONE

7:00am: The sun is up and the sculpture in the lobby has now been activated. What looked like a stationary sculpture is actually a very large automatized tire swing. A man in a daisy onesie is riding on one of the swings.

Caitlin & I decide it’s probably time to call it a night… Most people have left and my light up shoes have run out of charge. We get into an Uber Pool with a girl just wearing a body tight and flowers on her body with her face & hands painted pale pink. 

Dramatic reenactment of the girl in our Uber Pool. 

*What burners call the dry lake bed where Burning Man is held. If you have more burning questions about the lingo reference this OFFICIAL Burning Man Glossary. Learn what crucial words like Playa Herpes  (cause I just assumed it was regular herpes from drug fueled unsafe sex... it's not), MOOP (don't want it), and Sparklepony (don't be it) mean so you can fit in when you BURN. 

**My favorite is her listing Diplo & Major Lazer as her examples of musical artists. Major Lazer is basically also Diplo…. Well a collaboration project started by Diplo & DJ Switch. Then DJ Swtich peached and now it is Diplo, Jillinoarie & Walshy Fire.

10.30.15 - Halloweekend Part 1: Inferno

6:30pm: Gabby, Chris, Katie & Peter arrive at my apartment to get ready for a Halloween party called ‘Inferno’ at the McKittrick Hotel, home of Sleep No More. Sleep No More is an immersive theatre show where you walk around experiencing different scenes of the performance.  The theme of the party is “the Occult.”  I love Halloween.  I love costumes.

Even Princess want to dress up sometimes. 

We have a random third closet in our apartment that my sister calls the “costume” closet because it’s filled with my random thrift store finds. (How can I not buy a beautiful velvet gown when it’s only $5? I really needed those antique jean coveralls.) I love costume make-up. I own three different Ben Nye* stage make-up wheels; the death wheel, the bruise wheel & the master disaster wheel. I have a bag full of different fake eyelashes. That’s why everyone came over to my apartment to get ready. I have massive supplies. Need hair gel? I have it. Need glitter? I have it. Need spirit gum? Yup, I have that. I am intense. I am dramatic. Going with this years theme I decided to dress up as the “mistress of evil.” I don’t buy packaged costumes. I already owned all the elements of my costume except the horns & the crown.

8:00pm: Just two hours later I am ready. I realize once I put on the crown and the horns I decide I sort of look like Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers but I am into it. Sexy Rita Repulsa anyone? 

8:30pm: We hail two cabs to get to Sara’s apartment where we are having dinner. I literally don’t fit into the cab with my horns. I have to scrunch down as not to damage my horns. Next time I will order an Uber XL for these horns. 

9:30pm: At Sara’s I do the boys’ makeup. Chris is bald and I draw a pentagram on the top of his head and his forehead in red stage make-up. I give Gensho a scar and dark circles. He looks like Anakin Skywalker from Star Wars Episode 3. Somehow I am accidentally referencing pop cultural references for these costumes. We ordered about a $100 dollars worth of sushi but when it arrives it looks like nothing. I guess that’s why all the very skinny ladies I know love sushi, it’s actually not food. The party is open bar. Guess we are all getting wasted tonight. 

11:00pm: We arrive at the McKittrick. The McKittrick is not actually a hotel. It is merely a space meant to look like a hotel to serve as the set for Sleep No More. It looks as if it was decorated in 1928 but then stock market crashed and nothing has been changed or cleaned since then. It is large & decadent. It is beautiful yet terribly dirty. Next to coat check is a nearly naked nun giving out red shoots of “communion.” What a welcome. I love a party where hot people greet me with alcohol.   

Praise

11:15pm: Katie immediately leads us to the photo booth. Well it’s less of photo booth and more of a set area with a backdrop and a professional photographer. Trying to get some good photos before we inevitably get all sweaty and disgusting. We snap some quality shots. I need to work on my modeling skills. Katie & Gabby have it down but I think my smize is not convincing enough. 

11:30pm: The main ballroom seems carnival themed with a cotton candy & popcorn booth. I don’t think carnivals have anything to do with witches or demons. It seems like the party planners got some wires crossed. Or perhaps they were reusing decorations & costumes from another party? Last year the theme was ‘7 Deadly Sins’ and in one of the rooms, they were painting nude male and female models gold while they ate fruit.  I wanted a darker party but I guess free popcorn is nice. 

12:00pm: We wander into the top floor room where there are dancers spinning around an empty bathtub. We have arrived at this room just in time. The band in the background plays a haunting version of “I Put a Spell on You.” A perennial favorite. 

1:30am: In another room there are dancers in bodysuits painted with internal organs. Dancing frantically around an unmade bed. I am, again, not sure how this has to do with the occult but it is spooky. I think the general thought with this party is just “let’s do weird shit.”

2:30am: Gabby and Chris have left. I have lost Gensho & Sara. Katie & Peter are about to leave. I decide to leave since the party is expansive and I haven’t been able to find Gensho & Sara for about an hour. I hail a cab. One minute after being in the cab I receive several texts from Sara. She has gone to a second party "The Last Ball" presented by Babel at the Diamond Horseshoe home of Queen of the Night, an immersive theatre show similar in concept to Sleep No More. Her brother has two tickets he didn’t use so she sent them to me. 

I am already dressed...

2:45am: Arrive at the Diamond Horseshoe  near Times Square. The vibe for this party is a combination of Las Vegas Dinner Theatre, Dia de los Muertos and Eyes Wide Shut. There are lots of abandoned bottle service tables. There are aerialists hanging from the ceiling. There are naked men & women in masks and showgirl feathered helmets spinning and parading on the stage. 

3:15am: Tonight, I did something I never do. I wore heels. Not even proper heels. Heeled booties and my feet are killing me. Heels are the anti-party. Heels are great if you have lots of places to sit and are taking cabs everywhere. I do own lots of heels because I used to wear them to work all the time.* I don’t really go out anywhere where crippling myself heels are appropriate anymore though. However, it’s Halloween and I decided to complete the costume with heels. However now after being in them for close to 5 hours, I can’t really dance comfortably. So we go sit at one of the tables with abandoned bottle service and I do one of my favorite activities. Chair Dancing. Not the sexy stripper chair dancing but my own personal version where I sit in a chair and just sort of jostle the upper half of my body and wave my arms. I do it while I sit at the computer. I do it in restaurants. It’s a dance for those of you who are lazy but also love to dance. 

You can do it everywhere! 

3:30am: We get back up to dance and watch the naked glittering dancers.

While dancing a random older man in a black suit smiles at me, I don’t really smile back but apparently I made some sort of friendly face because he comes over and kisses me. I am taken quite taken aback. Sara pulls me away. The man just smiles and also walks away.

I know it was just a creepy old man but the situation was so strange that I also think for a brief moment maybe it was a ghost. The ghost of some poor rich European man who died of a coke overdose in the W hotel and now he just wanders around fancy parties on Halloween trying to kiss women.

3:45am: A naked man painted in gold glitter wearing a devil mask begins to throw white confetti all over the dance floor. He has what seems to be an endless basket of white confetti. More dancers come out with more confetti. They all begin to throw confetti over everyone.

The white shower reminds me both of snow and also of jizz. Either way, I am now covered from head to toe in large pieces of white confetti. I want to stay and see this bacchanal through but my feet are now very much in pain and it’s only the first day of Halloweekend, so sadly Sara & I leave the Eurotrash ghost and the naked dancers and head home. 

Bye Bitches

*Ben Nye is a very popular stage make-up brand. Probably every high school theatre troupe owns a basic set.

**Women are expected to wear heels to work, especially in meetings. Heels say, “here let me cripple myself a little so I am slightly taller than you and my butt looks nicer but you still feel slightly superior to me.”

Photo Gallery from Inferno

10.20.15 - My Sister's Birthday & Fancy Lard

6:30pm: We arrive at Quality Meats for Gabrielle’s birthday dinner.  We both wanted to try Quality Meats after the recommendations of numerous friends. Plus I feel like with the name Quality Meats the restaurant better be good. Such a New York name; don’t waste time on non-sense just tell me exactly what you serve please. Thank you.

We are seated promptly at a table upstairs. The ambiance of the restaurant is very clean, dark and masculine, which I like. The tables are a little crowded together. Not more so than most restaurants in New York but I expected in an upscale midtown restaurant for the luxury of space. If I am paying $50 for steak I would like to eat it with some breathing room not listening to a couple decide what color they are going to paint their living room.

6:40pm: Our waiters’ name is Josh, maybe a bad omen because it’s the name of one of my sister’s ex-boyfriends. However, this Josh seems very nice if not completely spastic. He talks a mile a minute and he talks a lot. We end up ordering scallops and a salad to start. For our sides we ordered creamed spinach and creamed corn crème brulee, which Josh assured us, is the best side. I wanted something regular like mashed potatoes but being fancy they don’t even have those. Who doesn’t have mashed potatoes? They are my favorite scratch paste. For our main courses I order the special aged bone in filet with bone marrow gratin and Gabrielle ordered the aged bone-in sirloin. Josh calls this the “power porterhouse” because a porterhouse is a filet on one side of the bone and a strip steak on the other. So we both ordered the better version of each steak. As per usual we have won ordering.

Thanks, Ron Swanson.

7:00pm: The scallops are excellent but they are very teeny tiny and there are only 3 for $19 dollars. My Dad has a theory* that some restaurants who serve you large scallops aren’t actually serving you scallops but they just serve you round pieces of other fish. I doubt this theory but if I believe the theory, I can be comforted that Quality Meat is probably actually serving me scallops because they are too tiny to be fake.

7:30pm: Our giant plates of meat arrive. I feel proud to be an American.

Gabby has the filet in front of her at the moment. 

My bone marrow gratin comes in a cut bone. The bone marrow gratin looks similar to lard with herbs on top. I scoop it out of the bone and spread it on top of the steak. The gratin looks like lard. I have now just smeared my fancy steak with fancy lard. Feeling the most American I have ever felt. If only I had killed and butchered this cow myself using a semi-automatic rifle. My steak is amazing though. Probably because I just doused it in extra fat but Gabby’s steak sans bone marrow is also delicious.

The creamed spinach comes in a popover (Yorkshire pudding), which is nice visually, but the spinach gets stuff in the nooks and crannies and I feel like I am mostly eating bread and not eating creamed spinach. Why must you make things so complicated Josh? I just want spinach with cream. I don’t want this disgusting popover, which is arguably the worst bread ever. Is it a gross roll? Is it a disgusting French crawler?

8:45pm: We stumble out of Quality Meats. I am so so full. We unwisely ordered dessert because we ordered coffees and Josh is pushy but it was mistake. It was a very good sticky pudding dessert but now I feel quite sick. I might have been the fancy lard though and not the dessert. Either way I should probably pre-order my juice cleanse for tomorrow.

9:15pm: We arrive in the East Village at Jimmy’s No. 43, for our friends’ monthly comedy variety show, “The Coven.” My friend Michela Ratto hosts the event. She just started doing stand-up. Just in regular conversation she is legitimately one of the funniest people I have ever met. Like painfully snorting soda out of my nose while laughing funny. She's so funny, my abs often hurts when I hang out with Michela because she makes me laugh so much. She is worth coming to see. Also the show is free and most of the other acts in the show are also pretty funny. Jimmy’s 43 is also a pretty cool bar, for being in a basement, they have a nice selection of hard ciders and beers. I sampled a few… for research purposes.

Just a taste thank you. 

11:00pm: We meet Jimmy of Jimmy’s No. 43. Seems like a solid dude. He also loves Michela. He gives me a free drink of what I am going to call “mystery cider” for being friends with Michela. Michela is actually the best.

*My dad has a lot of theories. None of them are wild conspiracy theories about aliens or the political machine.  Most of them are about being people tricking you over everyday mundane things – like coffee not being decaf or that most companies give away your personal information for profit. I believe most of them (not totally sold on the scallop one) because I am also super paranoid. I mean for good reason, has anyone read the news lately? 

10.19.15 - Philly, Disclosure & Weed Chapstick

5:00pm: Gensho arrives at Meghan’s apartment in Fishtown in Philadelphia.  Gensho is visiting the east coast from Los Angeles for two weeks. Meghan is one my best friends from high school who lives in Philly. Gensho, Meghan and Caitlin & Kristin (two of my best friends from Delaware), are going to see Disclosure at a new venue in Philly called the Fillmore and I decided to make the trip to join them. The Fillmore is a medium sized venue, similar to NY’s Terminal 5. Disclosure is playing at Madison Square Garden in New York and I would prefer to see them in a smaller venue so I can see their adorable British faces. 

I can't be in the nosebleeds for these cuties. 

Initially Caitlin, Kristen, Gensho & I were going to get a hotel using the app Hotel
Tonight but unfortunately there were no available hotel rooms in the area. The original theory behind Hotel Tonight is you can get a hotel only for tonight. However, now you can get a hotel for tomorrow or the next week. This is the first time I used it since this changed and it seems like the “tonight” selection has really gone down hill. However Meghan graciously offers that we can all stay at her apartment. She has a huge living room where we can put down airbeds and she lives like a 15 minute walk from the venue. Crisis averted.

SLEEPOVER PARTY!

7:30pm: We go to Johnny Brenda’s, a bar/venue/restaurant for dinner. We are in a rush since doors opened at 7pm but Caitlin only got to Meghan’s apartment at 7pm and we all need to eat since we’ve been drinking and we’ll be drinking...  The waiter is nice although a little frazzled by our loud table but he gets us all of our food quickly. The food was good, reasonably priced. and pretty fancy for bar food, Meghan had croquettes. What bar has croquettes?* And who eats them? 

This cat is Meghan's spirit animal. 

8:30pm: We arrive at the Fillmore and there is a very long line to get in. It’s so cold and there are so many mostly naked college students. I don’t understand people in cities who don’t wear their coats out. Like coat check is at most $5, which is way less than taking a cab home because you’re freezing. It’s just impractical, you’re uncomfortable and it also makes you look like a tourist.  One New Years Eve I was the only one of my friends dressed for the 15-degree weather and we had to wait in line for the party for 45 minutes. I just started handing out my scarf, sweaters, hat and gloves to my other friends so they didn’t freeze to death in the line.

Denial doesn't save you from hypothermia. 

9:00pm:  We get to the front of the line and see why the line is moving so slowly. They are going through everyone’s bag super thoroughly and throwing away chapstick, gum, hand sanitizer, eye drops and you know regular things that most ladies have in their purses. Throwing out gum I can sort of understand because people throw their gum on the floor which makes a big mess but hand sanitizer? What is in my hand sanitizer?  Why aren’t you allowed to have chapstick? Do people put drugs in their chapstick or something? Also the rule makes no sense because you can’t bring in chapstick but you can bring in lipstick… What the fuck is the difference between chapstick and lipstick in term of a security risk? Who is making drug chapstick? I seriously might invent it if it’s not a thing so that their arbitrary rule has a purpose.

Bill Nye thinks y'all are trippin'

They threw out someone’s bottle opener keychain… These people are stricter than the TSA. The super ironic thing is we get into the venue and the women’s bathroom REEKED of weed. Soooo all of this bag searching, body searching time wasting nonsense did nothing to keep drugs out of your venue. If people are going to bring illegal substance into your venue they are going to hide them pretty damn well. You just threw out my $4 chapstick for no reason and wasted everyone’s time.

9:15pm: We get drinks. Meghan knows the bartender so he gives us a hefty discount, which is great because these drinks are super overpriced. We try to go onto the dance floor but we aren’t allowed to bring our drinks. WHAT IS THIS PLACE? This venue is the anti-fun. Who is running this place? It’s a concert venue not a museum. 

Stop just stop with this nonsense. 

9:30pm: Disclosure starts. The venue isn’t anywhere near full so we can get really close to the front and still have lots of space to dance. Meghan, who came along basically because we’re staying with her (she hadn’t heard of Disclosure before today) is dancing like a wild woman. I love Disclosure- they make everyone boogie. They use many of the same visuals and play a lot of the same songs they did at ACL but it’s nice seeing them inside at a small venue. The crowd is also a lot more into them here because it’s not a festival crowd. Everyone came here to specifically see them.

11:30pm: After the show we end up at a dive bar. I don't actually know what it was called but my beer was $2, so I was pleased. I used to hate Philly because I thought it was super boring and dirty but recently it’s really grown on me. The last few times I have visited, I’ve been to really cool and unique places. I would never move there but I enjoy visiting now. I mean they have a restaurant where you can get a challah french toast monte cristo with eggs on top...so it can't be that terrible of a place. 

*Besides wine bars which usually have tapas such as croquettes. However, Wine bars are not really bars though. They are just places to take your date so you don't have to buy her a real dinner. 

10.17.15 - My Favorite Bathroom & Austin Powers

9:00pm: Arrive at Mother of Pearl in the East Village, a new Hawaiian fancy cocktail bar that replaced another fancy gin cocktail bar. The east village has no shortage of fancy cocktail bars but then again NY in general has no shortage of fancy cocktail bars. My friend Sara wanted to go somewhere that had “light bites” and I knew this place served food. Mostly the phrase "light bites" just reminds me of Light Brite and how much I would like one of those at the moment. There is a 30-minute wait…for what is essentially a bar so we decide to go somewhere else. 

Weren't these amazing?

9:30pm: We are walking down Avenue A which turns into Essex street when I spot a restaurant called Tijuana Picnic. It has fun music playing and has fun décor; I’m intrigued. The menu is mostly small plate items of trendy Mexican food. 

"small plates"

9:35pm: I accidentally order a spicy drink because I skimmed the menu and didn’t see the vodka was “poblano infused.” It actually is a great drink but I was traumatized in freshman year of college when I drank a cocktail called the “Caliente!”* It was a super spicy passion fruit mango cocktail. The next morning was the first and only time I ever got sick from drinking in the morning. It was awful. I couldn’t stomach passion fruit for about four years and I still hate spicy drinks...too much PTSD. 

9:45pm: Our food arrives and it’s banging. I am pretty surprised. The portions are very small but everything is very flavorful and fresh. I guess picking a book by its cover works sometimes. 

10:45pm: Sara & I are waiting for her other friend to finish dinner before we all go to another bar. She suggests we go to Beauty & Essex as a joke because it’s right across the street. She was joking but my response was “um hell yes.” I love Beauty & Essex for one reason: they have free champagne in the ladies bathroom. Yes, free champagne in the ladies bathroom. It’s wonderful. Also the bathroom is right by the entrance and the place is so big no one notices or cares if you just go in to use the bathroom. Also the bathroom has large mirrors, a sofa and is always relatively clean. It’s probably my favorite bathroom in the city.* So we went, went into the bathroom and drank some free sparkling rosé. It was lovely. Sara was either impressed or maybe a little frightened by my free drinking trick. 

BAM Champange

11:45pm: We head to 2A, a dive bar up the street. Sara read an article about a second bar located in the basement of 2A called Berlin. There are so many “secret” bars in NYC. I feel like these are in vogue so guys can impress their dates. It seems counterintuitive but woman are very impressed when their dates lead them down dark alleys and weird staircases to go get drunk. Humans are generally irrational.

Come with me... it's totally safe in this alley babe. 

We go to the staircase where the bouncer, an older punk rocker, tells us that there is a CMJ event downstairs and its guest list only right now. He informs us that the band will finish in about a half hour and we should try back then. We get some drinks upstairs where they are playing top forty and there is a bachelorette parties. If I ever wear a sash that says "Bride to be out to a bar" please just kill me because it’s probably a body snatcher. I just don’t get why these traditions still exist. Why do you need like 12 parties leading up to your wedding, which is also a party?

12:25pm: The bouncer lets us in this time and we head down to Berlin. It looks like a glam rock wine cellar with everyone in black with lots of eyeliner and chandeliers on the exposed brick vaulted ceiling. The band is breaking down. The bartender is wild girl wearing a spandex halter jumpsuit with rhinestones down the front. She is a terrible bartender but a great dancer. 

1:30am: I see an older short bald gentleman wearing a suit in the corner by the bar. He seems very out of place. Next to him is another older gentleman wearing a crew neck sweater he also seems a little out of place but he’s wearing black so he blends in. I look again… I think the second gentleman is Mike Myers… He looks like Mike Myers. Is it Mike Myers? I try to keep looking at him without being a huge creep. In NYC it’s super uncool to show that you care that anyone is famous. Why would you care? You’re a super cool New Yorker and you totally don’t care that Austin Powers is randomly in the same bar as you… 

2:00am: I am now 100% sure it’s Mike Myers. I have conferred with other people at the bar and they also think its Mike Myers. Why Mike Myers was at this bar with who I assume is his manager, I will never know though because being a cool New Yorker I did not go up to talk to Mike Myers. 

*Also probably never a good idea to order a drink with an exclamation point. That’s just asking for trouble.

**My second favorite bathroom is at Room Service in Hells Kitchen. The faucet is shaped like a swan.

10.16.15 - A Roof & Omar S

5:45pm: I arrive first at Roof at Park South, a rooftop bar in Murray Hill. I am meeting up with my old work crew to grab drinks. This is my first time at this bar, it’s one of the prettiest rooftop bars I have been to; they even have space heater since its a little chilly. However it’s quite pricey; my drink was $15. The rooftop is really nice BUT it has a lingering smell of curry from the many Indian restaurants below in “Curry Hill”. It is probably one of the last nights being outside will be bearable. Winter is coming.

What anything under 70 degrees fee like to me. 

6:10pm: My friends arrive just in time to pull me away from some European tourist trying to chat me up. They suggest we all get drinks together but we all politely decline. I get hit on by European tourists a lot, I am not sure if this is because I go to a lot of places where European tourists frequent or if I have a “European” look because I wear all black. Or maybe European tourists just hit on everyone to cast a wide net? Unclear. 

I wish Italians would flirt with me like this. 

8:00pm: Going to happy hour is always a recipe for being super drunk super early. No eating and lots of cheap drinks. So after two hours of drinking we order a bunch of strange overpriced cocktails we ordered a bunch of strange overpriced food. It's all a trap! We spend $18 dollars on a "flatbread" with truffle oil. Stop putting truffle oil on pizza guys it doesn't make it good pizza. Also why would I ever want a lamb "lollipop"? Who makes these menus?

So since we're all drunk can't we have some regular food?

12:10am: Arrive at Output to see Omar S, a Detroit Producer known for playing funky, Motown influenced house. One of his best-known tracks samples the Supremes.  I'm with Lauren and her roommate Aisha. Lauren & I saw Omar S in Melbourne. He was stellar. There is no line outside Output, which is pretty unusual for a Friday night. No love for Omar S Brooklyn?

12:30am: We see the set times and Omar S is not supposed to go on until 4am. Ouch. Wasn’t planning on having a late night but I guess there is no choice; I can’t miss Omar so I guess I won’t be home before 6am.

2:30am: Omar goes on early! Everyone, including me, is so happy. I see so many people from Sustain Release here. Everyone is in all black again, the techno mafia uniform. We say hi. I guess spending a weekend in the pouring cold rain together makes for a quick bonding experience. 

We became fast friends in our frozen prison. 

3:00am: Omar S is playing what looks like a home video of himself and an old white dude on a the screen behind him. It seems like they are making a record? But I can't be sure. There is also footage of the local news spliced in. It's pretty interesting at first but then he plays it for a half hour and everyone got a bit bored. BRING ON THE DISCO BALL LIGHTS OMAR. 

Pictured here is the disco ball & the video. 

3:30am: Apparently it is make-out time on the dance floor. Suddenly everyone around us is making out. Make-out time seems to happen at every bar. I am not sure who decides when it is make-out time but somehow everyone in the bar/club/street gets the message it happens. Like when birds leave before a storm they somehow just know when to do it. 

4:45am: I decide to leave. It is still pretty packed on the dance floor and the tunes are still great but an old ankle injury has flared up and I can’t really dance that much anyways. It seems very silly to me that our tiny tiny ankles hold all of our weight up. No wonder everyone is always hurting them. I hurt mine when I fell down a dirt hill two months ago at Elements, a music event in Red Hook, which was essentially located in a junkyard. Proving that if the line-up is good enough people will literally pay you to dance in trash. It hasn’t properly healed yet but I can’t really stay off it because I live in NY, my job requires me to stand a lot and dancing is the only thing that brings me joy. So it’s a slow road to recovery. Basically I just started dancing more with my arms. 

10.15.15 - Wing Eating Contest

7:45pm: Arrive at Croxley Ales. Croxley Ales has 30-cent wings almost every night of the week. A couple weeks ago one of my guy friends, Peter, challenged me to a wing-eating contest. He knew my fondness for wings and apparently thought I would be keen. I really have no interest in eating an uncomfortable amount of wings BUT I am ultra competitive. I knew I could win. So did I want to do it? No, not really, but the gauntlet was thrown and I don’t back away from a challenge.

I have only engaged in one competitive eating contest and that was when I was 10 at summer camp. It was part of a giant camp wide relay race thing with tasks such as making your bed perfectly the fastest, lighting a firework and other camp tasks. My role was to eat a giant piece of watermelon the fastest. I won. I am pretty sure I did well on the SATs because I was determined to beat all the other people in my grade. If I didn’t have exercise-induced asthma I could have been a real sports star.

7:55pm: A bunch of Peter’s friends are here. They are all guys. They didn’t believe that this was happening or that I could win. At first I am annoyed that a crew of people I barely know are going to watch me gorge myself, but I just use that rage to fuel me. I will win- bring on the fried meats. The rules of the contest are: whoever can eat the most medium spicy wings, wins. There is an hour time limit. And you can’t take a more than 5-minute break between wings.

Must clean wings of all meat. 

8:15pm: I take a shot of Jameson. I usually eat wings with cider or beer but I don’t want to waste stomach space on liquids. We start in on our first plate of 20 medium hot wings. The wings are steaming. I pick all the meat off the bones. This strategy allows the meat to cool and also allows me to pysch out Peter by developing a huge pile of bones near me while he is still on his second wing.

8:23pm: Peter is literally sweating. Not sure if it’s from the spice or from the anxiety. I feel sort of bad for him; I don’t even think these wings are spicy. I am winning and gracefully. By the end of the plate, I feel sort of gross but I finish my plate of wings first – Peter has two wings left. He finishes and towels off.

8:25pm: Our second orders of wings arrive. I really don’t want to eat anymore but I hate losing. We get half way through and it’s a tie. We both pause for a minute. I am deciding whether to tie or to push myself and eat one more wing. I eat one more wing. Peter stops. He says he knows that however many wings we eat I will always eat one more and he’ll lose. So he’d rather lose now when he only feel sort of ill.

9:00pm: I won. Everyone is impressed. I feel ill. Victory. 

10.04.15 - Austin City Limits Night 3: What is a Weeknd?

5:00pm: So glad I finally got to see the Decembrists. They are the cutest band ever. They seem so smiley and happy to be on stage even though it’s about 95 degrees at the moment. They sing the Mariners’ Revenge Song, which is a 9-minute song about seeking revenge on a sailor who left your mother with TB and you both being swallowed by a whale. At the end of the song when the lyrics describes being eaten by the whale, they bring out cardboard whale that went around and “swallowed” the band members and they all fell to the ground like they were being eaten. CUTEST BAND EVER.

5:30pm: Waiting for alt – J. We were going to try to go see Chance the Rapper but he is at one of the smaller stages and the crowd is too wild to get anywhere close so we just camp out for a good spot for alt - J. We can hear some of his songs from our spot waiting for Alt-J though. Sad we couldn’t see his set, but so it goes with festivals.

6:30pm: alt – J starts. I have seen them before, but in Madison Square Garden from the cheap seats. This is so much better we are so so much closer. I can actually see their cute British faces. We all tessellate.*

Adorable

7:30pm: We watch Nero from afar. They look and sounds like video game villains started a band together. That being said, I am sort of really into them. The anti-hero hit of dance music.

8:00pm: We go to see some of Hozier. I still can’t pronounce his name. I keep saying something more akin to hosiery or who-zer. It’s a silly name. I feel like everyone was too polite to tell him his name sounded like the department where ladies’ tights are kept.

8:30pm: The Weeknd begins. I like the Weeknd. He sounds great but like 5 minutes into his performance he sets off some sad fireworks. They pale in comparison to Drake’s fireworks. They just make me think of a metaphor for blowing your load too soon… You blew it Weeknd.

8:50pm: Realizing that pretty much every Weeknd songs sounds the same and that can get sort of boring after about 10 minutes.  He is a really great singer but it’s hard to have fun at a set where every song is a sexy slo-jam. Like am I making out with someone?  No. Am I going to grind with my people in this field? No. I think that the Weeknd’s style is great as the soundtrack for some slow steamy hook-ups but maybe not an hour-long festival set. They just build and build with no fast songs for the climax. I know “Earned It” was a big hit for you but your album didn’t need to be a one long soundtrack for 50 Shades of Grey. You can throw in a fast song that doesn’t drip with eye-contact sexual tension. 

Too Romantic

9:00pm: We head over to watch the end of The Strokes set. I know most of their songs because I listened to them in middle school & high school. I am having mixed feeling about their performance. They sounds pretty good but I don’t think they have their hearts in it. I think they know their time as headliners has mostly passed and they are upset about it but you’re a headliner tonight and I want you to give me your all! Is this it guys?

*I am very impressed that a band turned a word mostly used in association with tiling into a hit song.

10.03.15 - Austin City Limits Night 2: Shakey Drake, A$AP Drake & Drake

6:00pm: Waiting for Drake. Drake is really the only person that Gabby wants to see. Gabby LOVES Drake. She is so excited she literally started calling every other performer on the schedule "Drake." So Shakey Graves became Shakey Drake, A$AP Rocky becomes A$AP Drake and so on and so forth. She has a one Drake mind. So we are camping out to have a spot with both visibility and dance ability. Too close you can’t dance. Too far and you can’t see. It’s a fine balance to find your perfect Drake spot. If you’re reading this post it’s too late because ACL is the last stop on Drake’s 2015 tour. 

#shakeshead

6:05pm: We find a great spot. There are hardly any people in chairs tonight. I guess old people don’t love Drake enough to camp out for him.

6:30pm: A$AP Rocky is supposed to start but he is late. Gabby keeps calling him “A-S-A-P Rocky” and I can’t actually tell if she’s kidding or she doesn’t know how to say his name…

6:50pm: A$AP Rocky starts fashionably late. It is his birthday after all so I can forgive him a little for being late. He doesn’t really impress me.  I felt like it was over and done quickly.  He didn’t play “Everyday” which is arguably the best song on his new album (or maybe I just love Rod Stewart). He didn’t play “fucking problems” which annoyed me. Like I am sure you are sick of that song dude… but it’s your biggest hit and you’re not enough of a huge superstar to not play it. You’ve only got two albums… so it’s not like you just have so many other hits to play. Also it has DRAKE on it, the man taking the stage right after you. DRAKE.

Bye Bitch

7:30pm: Waiting for Drake. This is our second time seeing Drake this year… Did I mention Gabby loves Drake? YOLO. We should probably see Drake as many times as possible while it’s possible.

8:00pm: Hear some of Bassnectar from the neighboring stage.  Festival favorite. This is the third festival I’ve been to where he has been on the lineup. He’s always a fun dance party. Pretty self-explanatory name – just add that sweet sweet bass to things. Good music for dropping it.  Gabby & I dropped it… to the ground to wait for Drake.

8:30pm: Drake starts! October’s Very Own is a great start to October. Omg Drake has gotten so buff. Personal opinion but I think he’s looking a little too swole? Thoughts? Who prefers swole Drake?

Drake called Texas his second home… well I guess all his exes do live there. I think I love Drake because he’s just is so ridiculous. He is a Jewish Canadian ex-child star sensitive man named Aubrey. Such an unlikely man to be a rap star and yet he is a rap star. He just kept hustling and hustling.* He exaggerated things but now he’s got it like that… and I think that’s amazing. Go Drake. You do you.

Like who even is this man?

8:50pm: Drake sings all his older songs. The high school kids surrounding us in the audience don’t know the songs. I sing (yell) along because I know all the words because I basically listened to So Far Gone & Thank Me Later on repeat freshman year of college. At first I listened because I was an old Degrassi fan and I loved Lil Wayne. But then I kept listening because at 19 I could just really relate to Drake because I was fancy, I was doing me, I just wanted to be successful & I was the fucking best.

I feel you baby. 

9:30pm: DRAKE BRINGS OUT FUTURE.  ACL doesn’t usually have a ton of guest performances, especially by people who aren’t playing the festival that weekend* So bringing out Future is a pretty big deal. Him & Drake just released a joint album. So they sing some of Future’s song then they do live debuts of “Jumpman” and “Big Rings.”

SO MONEY

9:55pm: Chris didn’t realize he knew so many Drake fans. HYFR. DUH CHRIS. Drake is a hit machine. He also has verses on Nicki’s songs, Big Sean’s songs, A$AP’s songs. The man is prolific. He is drinking every night because he drinks to his accomplishments – that’s a lot of accomplishments. 

10:00pm: Drake sets off fireworks to end his show because DRAKE literally brings the FIRE. LOVE FIREWORKS. LOVE DRAKE. What a time to be alive!

*Future is on the schedule for ACL weekend 2 but that’s a whole week later though.

*Maybe Drake learned some important life lesson from the Degrassi theme song. #whateverittakes #besthebest

10.02.15 - Austin City Limits Night 1: Attack of the Chair People

5:30pm: Feeling extra blessed being at Austin City Limits, ACL, again. Chris, Gabrielle’s boyfriend makes videos for C3- the company who puts on the festival- so he was able to get us weekend passes. THANKS CHRIS. It’s a warm 90 degrees outside, the sun is shining, it feels like it is still summer here.

This weather is just so beautiful. 

6:00pm: Tame Impala is playing on the main stage. Emily, Caitlin, Gabrielle & I are having a hard time getting past the “chair zone” to get anywhere near the stage. The “chair zone” is anywhere past the “no chair zone” which is labeled by signs about 75 yards from the stage. Chairs are really popular at ACL because it’s a very family friendly festival, which means lots of older people, and older people love chairs. Sitting is fine. I love sitting, but it’s just a big waste of space and makes it impossible for people to walk anywhere.

Also the thing that really made me annoyed was most of these people had created little chair camps with 6-10 chairs and almost every fucking chair was empty. So there would be like 2 people in a space that had have held easily 10-15 people. All the chairs made it almost impossible to walk anywhere. Making things worse, people had even gone as far as to wrap caution tape around their chair areas creating little chair forts.  CAUTION TAPE. It was absolutely ridiculous. Do you even like Tame Impala? Do you just want to see the Foo Fighters? Get out of the way!!!

6:20pm: I continue to get super annoyed because people in the chair zone are pissed people are trying to walk through their chairs. Their indignation makes me even more upset about the chairs. CHAIR PEOPLE YOU’RE IN THE WAY.

You’re taking up like 3 times the space of a person. I hate you all. If you want to sit don’t go to concerts. We all paid the same amount of money to be here why do you think you’re entitled to savsies for your 10 best friends? Why do you get to waste space? Because you have chairs?  Fuck your chairs.* If you want feel entitled to space; do it the American way and pay for it by buying a VIP or Platinum ticket.

7:00pm: Huge crowd for Austin native Gary Clark Jr. What a handsome man.

Hey Gary. ;)

8:00pm: Disclosure!!! Love Disclosure. This is my third time seeing them and those little British brothers are adorable. Caitlin & I are just grooving and grooving while everyone stares at us confused. We are sober and just super into Disclosure. No one is really dancing though and we dance super crazy. I have been asked while stone cold sober dancing if I had drugs to sell because I dance so crazy people assume I am on drugs. Nope this is just the blind confidence of four years of art school dances.

9:30pm: Foo Fighters have the crowd going wild. I am not a huge Foo fan but like the rest of the world I knows their hits. Since Dave Grohl’s leg injury earlier in the tour, he is performing in a big throne custom made for him. A giant tricked out chair. He is LITERALLY king of the chair people.

Dave Grohl has always seemed to me like the guy who is everyone’s best friend. He’s just a smiley dude playing smiley dude songs to other smiley dudes.

Even with this injury he still is a super compelling performer. If I didn’t already know his leg was broken I might not have guessed. I was singing along to songs I didn’t even know I knew.

Music video by Foo Fighters performing Learn To Fly. (C) 1999 Roswell Records, Inc.

I think what we can garner from this music video is Dave loves Dave. 

*If you’re sitting in your chair and being a polite human and leaving space for people to walk then this is not an issue but everyone was being a grade A jerk here. Also for people who actually have mobility problems there is an accessibility viewing section.