8:10pm: I arrive 10 minutes late for the 8:00pm showing of Spectre, the new James Bond movie. There are still previews playing so I decide to get the world’s largest diet coke and some bunch a crunch, the world’s best movie candy. The people in line in front of me are acting like it is Sophie’s choice deciding which candy to purchase. Come on people, the previews can’t possibly be more than 15 minutes I need to go watch the first car chase or whatever the opening action sequence will evidentially be. I have seen all the James Bond movies. My dad owned them all when I was younger and we watched them all. I also owned the Goldeneye N64 videogame. I was always Odd Job because he was shorter than everyone else and hard to shoot.

Last year, I bought my Dad a CD with all the theme songs. I mean some are terrible but “Diamonds are Forever”, “Live & Let Die” and “Nobody Does it Better” are classics.

8:20pm: I guess the previews actually could be longer than 15 minutes because they are still playing and I make it in time for the first action sequence which actually involves no cars but instead is focused on a very silly fight in a helicopter. According to action movies, evil villains have an endless supply of helicopters to help them escape from pursuit. Evil villains are the biggest consumers of helicopters, black suits, eye patches & white fluffy cats.

A Dog person would never plot to take over the world that's for sure.

8:30pm: Least favorite Bond credits ever. They feature clips from past movies. SPOILER ALERT. They also heavily feature octopuses because the octopus is the symbol for Spectre. During several parts the credits look like Japanese tentacle porn… I am not into it. Misogyny in Bond Films is one thing but once you start getting into bestiality I am done.

10:50pm: 150 very long minutes later the movie ends. My verdict: boring. Sorry people who liked the movie, I was super bored. Also Daniel Craig just looks bored. I think he is tired. I won’t get too into the specifics as not to spoil the plot but I would not recommend seeing it or just watch it when it’s on DVD so you can multi-task or fast forward to make it go quicker. Now I just want to go home and watch Goldfinger and listen to Skyfall by Adele.

Goldfinger: A girl gets painted gold and there is a character named "Pussy Galore" - this film is amazing. — Goldfinger: A girl gets painted gold and there is a character named "Pussy Galore" - this film is amazing.

For more about why this movie is not good read this Rolling Stone article.