11:00pm: Arrive in Fort Greene for a White Elephant Christmas Party. This is the 4th of about a bazillion Christmas parties in the last two weeks. Three of my girl friends live in the apartment above three of our guy friends. So basically it’s millennial Friends except instead of living across the street from an ugly naked guy they live across the street from the Projects.

11:30pm: We begin White Elephant (sometimes known as dirty Santa). So for those who haven’t played White Elephant – it’s the worst game ever. It’s basically just like mean spirited secret Santa. The point of the game is to steal gifts, like the Grinch, and we were all read that book or saw that movie learned stealing gifts is wrong boys & girls!

So in the game, the first person picks a gift from a pile of wrapped gifts then the second person decides whether they want to steal the first person’s gift or open another gift, and so on and so forth until all the presents are open. There is then a SECOND round where everyone’s around and can steal presents. Why is there a second round? No idea.

Another rule: each gift can only be stolen twice and then it’s locked. I have no idea why this rule exists. It seems like if the point of the game is to steal presents and be sneaky there should be no limit on steals because of course all the good shit will get “locked” and then it’s just the crap no one wants anyway. If it was a nice game, it would just be like a grab bag of gifts and there would be no stealing. Since it isn’t a nice game and you can steal there shouldn’t be a limit on stealing. Like think about this in terms of life - like oh, it’s fine if you rob someone twice but three times? WHAT ARE YOU AN ANIMAL?

Makes no sense. So I know this game is fairly harmless and as adult where all the gifts are pretty much joke gifts anyways – it doesn’t really matter. I mean the limit on our gifts was $10. BUT as a child, this game really emotionally scarred me. I remember playing at a Christmas party when I was about 6 and not understanding why I didn’t get to keep the cool M&M candy dispenser thing I had opened. I OPENED IT; it’s mine – that’s how gifts had always worked. Why did I end up with a disgusting deck of playing cards? So I have a long held grudge against this game from when I was 6. I know it’s irrational but this hate is really locked into my brain.

11:35pm: I open the first present. It’s a white Star Wars Storm Trooper helmet that comes with marker so you can color it any pattern you want. Considering my Dad has two lighted glass cabinets full of Star Wars memorabilia at our house I don’t think I need this item but I could always re-gift it so it’s a pretty solid selection. My gift is immediately stolen by the second person. Of course. So I open another gift...

What's in this box? Who the hell cares because bitches gonna steal it anyways.

it’s a Breaking Bad Walter White bobble head doll. I am surprised the first two gifts have been toys, I was under the impression we were all getting alcohol and joke sex gifts - but okay guys very PG here. I really don’t want them it’s creeping me out; it comes in its underwear. I like breaking bad but having a doll of a meth cook/dealer who ultimately dies in my apartment I think would probably haunt my nightmares.

11:40pm: The presents opening and present stealing continues. Someone was gifted a cute animal calendar and a bonus gift/challenge Smirnoff Ice. So they got iced and had to chug the Smirnoff Ice. Do you think Smirnoff started this trend of Smirnoff Ice as a punishment to boost sales?

11:40pm: Someone opens the gift I brought. For my gift, I bought the most practical gift I could think of for under $10; condoms. Nothing says Merry Christmas like not contracting Chlamydia.

11:50pm: The first round is over. Now comes a round of stealing. I really don’t want this breaking bad doll so I steal “miracle berries.” Miracle berries are apparently derived from a fruit native to West Africa. A chemical in the fruit is supposed to change your taste buds temporarily so sour fruits taste sweet. I was the only person who hadn’t heard of them but I thought that seemed like a fun activity. Maybe shitty beer would finally be tolerable. After I stole them all of my friends said that they are often used for oral sex. I believe this but personally I think that if you can’t handle the taste of your ladylove au natural then maybe you should question her personal hygiene practices or go get tested together for Chlamydia. Just saying…

He or She may seem innocent but don't be fooled - protect yourself

11:55pm: So of course, the miracle berries get stolen and now I have left with the children’s book Goodnight Moon. Why someone bought this book to a gift change with all adults I am not sure… Maybe someone would have needed it in 10 months if I hadn’t given him or her the condoms but as of right now I know no babies. I think my friend bought it was with good intentions, it was $9 but like we are a bunch of 24 year olds why would I want this?

12:00pm: Since I went first, I get another chance to steal BUT all the gifts I would actually want have already been stolen twice (BECASE OF THE DUMB RULE) so I am stuck with this dumb children’s book. GOODNIGHT DUMB GAME. Next year I vote we do an alcohol grab bag exchange. Who seconds the nomination?