9:00pm: Arrive at Mother of Pearl in the East Village, a new Hawaiian fancy cocktail bar that replaced another fancy gin cocktail bar. The east village has no shortage of fancy cocktail bars but then again NY in general has no shortage of fancy cocktail bars. My friend Sara wanted to go somewhere that had “light bites” and I knew this place served food. Mostly the phrase "light bites" just reminds me of Light Brite and how much I would like one of those at the moment. There is a 30-minute wait…for what is essentially a bar so we decide to go somewhere else.

9:30pm: We are walking down Avenue A which turns into Essex street when I spot a restaurant called Tijuana Picnic. It has fun music playing and has fun décor; I’m intrigued. The menu is mostly small plate items of trendy Mexican food.

9:35pm: I accidentally order a spicy drink because I skimmed the menu and didn’t see the vodka was “poblano infused.” It actually is a great drink but I was traumatized in freshman year of college when I drank a cocktail called the “Caliente!”* It was a super spicy passion fruit mango cocktail. The next morning was the first and only time I ever got sick from drinking in the morning. It was awful. I couldn’t stomach passion fruit for about four years and I still hate spicy drinks...too much PTSD.

9:45pm: Our food arrives and it’s banging. I am pretty surprised. The portions are very small but everything is very flavorful and fresh. I guess picking a book by its cover works sometimes.

10:45pm: Sara & I are waiting for her other friend to finish dinner before we all go to another bar. She suggests we go to Beauty & Essex as a joke because it’s right across the street. She was joking but my response was “um hell yes.” I love Beauty & Essex for one reason: they have free champagne in the ladies bathroom. Yes, free champagne in the ladies bathroom. It’s wonderful. Also the bathroom is right by the entrance and the place is so big no one notices or cares if you just go in to use the bathroom. Also the bathroom has large mirrors, a sofa and is always relatively clean. It’s probably my favorite bathroom in the city.* So we went, went into the bathroom and drank some free sparkling rosé. It was lovely. Sara was either impressed or maybe a little frightened by my free drinking trick.

11:45pm: We head to 2A, a dive bar up the street. Sara read an article about a second bar located in the basement of 2A called Berlin. There are so many “secret” bars in NYC. I feel like these are in vogue so guys can impress their dates. It seems counterintuitive but woman are very impressed when their dates lead them down dark alleys and weird staircases to go get drunk. Humans are generally irrational.

Come with me... it's totally safe in this alley babe.

We go to the staircase where the bouncer, an older punk rocker, tells us that there is a CMJ event downstairs and its guest list only right now. He informs us that the band will finish in about a half hour and we should try back then. We get some drinks upstairs where they are playing top forty and there is a bachelorette parties. If I ever wear a sash that says "Bride to be out to a bar" please just kill me because it’s probably a body snatcher. I just don’t get why these traditions still exist. Why do you need like 12 parties leading up to your wedding, which is also a party?

12:25pm: The bouncer lets us in this time and we head down to Berlin. It looks like a glam rock wine cellar with everyone in black with lots of eyeliner and chandeliers on the exposed brick vaulted ceiling. The band is breaking down. The bartender is wild girl wearing a spandex halter jumpsuit with rhinestones down the front. She is a terrible bartender but a great dancer.

1:30am: I see an older short bald gentleman wearing a suit in the corner by the bar. He seems very out of place. Next to him is another older gentleman wearing a crew neck sweater he also seems a little out of place but he’s wearing black so he blends in. I look again… I think the second gentleman is Mike Myers… He looks like Mike Myers. Is it Mike Myers? I try to keep looking at him without being a huge creep. In NYC it’s super uncool to show that you care that anyone is famous. Why would you care? You’re a super cool New Yorker and you totally don’t care that Austin Powers is randomly in the same bar as you…

2:00am: I am now 100% sure it’s Mike Myers. I have conferred with other people at the bar and they also think its Mike Myers. Why Mike Myers was at this bar with who I assume is his manager, I will never know though because being a cool New Yorker I did not go up to talk to Mike Myers.

*Also probably never a good idea to order a drink with an exclamation point. That’s just asking for trouble.

**My second favorite bathroom is at Room Service in Hells Kitchen. The faucet is shaped like a swan.