6:25pm: Gabby & I arrive in Epcot. EPCOT officially stands for Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow – an acronym created by Walt Disney when he originally envisioned it as a utopian testing city in 1966.

However, Disney died later in 1966 and they scraped this idea. Instead they created a theme park on this land loosely based on his ideas. So now instead of a Utopian society it a theme park separated into two sections: Future World and the World Showcase. The World Showcase is 11 sections that are themed like 11 different countries.

Obviously the 11 most important countries were chosen based on America’s level of interest, cuisine offerings, and general aesthetic appeal. The 11 countries are: Canada, the United Kingdom, France, Morocco, Japan, “The American Amphitheatre” (not sure why America is needed but it’s there), Italy, Germany, China, Norway, and Mexico. Also there is a weird “outpost” with drums and other vague “African” things between Germany & China that is “Africa” themed because somehow even in 2015, Americans think of Africa as one big general country.

6:30pm: Our vacation falls at the beginning of the 20th Annual Epcot International Food & Wine Festival. As far as I can tell the Food & Wine festival is just the addition of little themed houses that serve special small plates of food and different alcohols based on a county, region, or food theme. For example, there was an Italy booth (country), Patagonia (food region) and a Champagne & dessert (food theme). There was also an Africa food booth because again America just lumps it all together. GUYS, MOROCCO IS IN AFRICA.

Basically it seems like a heightened version of the usual Epcot plan of let’s walk around very slowly and get drunk on a bunch of liquors that shouldn’t go together in one stomach. Also every single country featured some type of alcohol slushy. I am pretty sure this is not very authentic to these countries. But I think the drinking concept in America is take a basic idea and then add more sugar& more ice* and make it 3 times as big.

accurate depiction of size and sugar content in drinks

7:00pm: Gabby & I reach “Mexico” and decide we should probably just bite the bullet and get a drink. We bypass the special “food & wine” booth because they only have a frozen margaritas and go to the normal “cantina” where we order two regular margaritas with salt. They are $10 each but they come in huge plastic pint glasses.

7:10pm: We go inside the Aztec pyramid which features a fake nighttime outdoor market with little stands. I am about half way through my margarita pint and I am wasted. THESE ARE SO STRONG DISNEY. I have no idea why Disney wants me to be wasted. It seems like a terrible idea but I guess they figure it’s the happiest place on earth and alcohol makes a lot of people happy- at least in the short term. Also could be a strategy to get people to not maximize park time. If you’re wasted or hungover you will spend less time on rides or in the parks and more time sitting in your hotel room bed or on the ground or on the bathroom floor…

7:35pm: We meet my parents in the United Kingdom for my Dad’s (actual) birthday dinner at the Rose & Crown. We eat here every time we visit Disney. My mom thinks the Epcot fireworks are the best fireworks ever in existence and the seating on the Rose & Crown patio is a great viewing point. Also she is obsessed with their bangers & mash, which sounds gross but is actually just sausage, and mashed potatoes. It also happens to be pretty good. Why do the English give their food such disgusting names? Like bubble & squeak? Is that a potion? Is it a cleaning product? Who knows?

7:45pm: Again, it becomes an issue that my Dad can’t have diary. So they bring him the allergy menu, which is sort of useful, but also sort of annoying because it tries to just do catch all items that hit all the major food allergies. So everything is like gluten-free, soy-free, shellfish free, nut-free and diary-free which makes for some bland options. It’s like a menu for crazy suburban moms who don’t actually have food allergies, but are probably just anorexic and claim they have all these allergies to make it impossible to find food to eat. “Oh I am so hungry but I couldn’t possible eat that it has meat, diary, gluten, wheat, nuts, sugar, air in it…”

Here take this dear; I can't eat it, it has fructose. — Here take this dear; I can't eat it, it has fructose.

My Dad just has one simple diary allergy but it seems to perplex restaurants all the time. Shouldn’t the chef know what’s in the menu items? My Dad is also constantly explaining to people that mayonnaise doesn’t have diary in it; it’s just egg, oil, salt & vinegar and/or lemon. What do you people think is in mayo? And also do most people just willy-nilly eat food without reading the ingredients? SPOILER ALERT AMERICA: everything has sugar and/or corn syrup in it. He ends up ordering steak & French fries, surprisingly an option on the “allergy” menu. French fries are gluten free bitches.

9:00pm:The show & fireworks start! They light parts of the lagoon on fire. The fire is so hot I can feel the heat from my seat about 100 yards away (this is my own personal estimation). This show has always seemed to be of dubious safety to me. I am pretty sure this one time I was sitting downwind and I inhaled some firework debris.

Source:https://disneyworld.disney.go.com/entertainment/epcot/illuminations-reflections-of-earth/I tried using my own photo but it was mostly smoke and fog — Source:https://disneyworld.disney.go.com/entertainment/epcot/illuminations-reflections-of-earth/
I tried using my own photo but it was mostly smoke and fog

9:10pm: The show is called IlluminNations: Reflections of Earth** and has been running pretty much unchanged for the last 15 years. It was introduced for the turn of the new millennium. Until literally this trip, I thought the song said “we belong” in the chorus as a nice reminder that we are all humans and we have a special place on the earth BUT it actually says “we go on” which I think is much more melancholy and similar to the saying “life goes on.” Which is a terrible saying because it basically just says you’ll live even if everything is terrible. So, I basically now feel like my whole childhood was a lie.“We go on” what the fuck is that Disney?

I think that it’s meant to be inspiring or something but all the songs about the future being better and brighter are a load of bollocks. It now reminds me of the song everyone sings in Les Miserable called “One Day More” and then SPOILER ALERT: everyone dies except four people (and two of them are terrible cruel thieves who steal off of the corpses of the dead!).

9:300pm: It was clear from the beginning that our waitress was a terrible waitress, but she has reached new levels tonight by not bringing us water, not bringing us forks, not understanding what dairy is, and bringing out 5 entrees instead of four… but she really took the cake when she literally forgot to bring out the cake. The,n when the waitresses walked out with the vegan vanilla mocha cake my mom especially ordered for my Dad’s birthday our waitress hasn’t put in the candles because they weren’t sure if he could have them? DID YOU THINK THEY WERE MADE OF BUTTER LADIES?

So I now have to light the candles myself with a shitty cigarette lighter, I proceed to burn my finger and then we sing happy birthday again. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB.

*THE ICE THOUGH - Why is Strongbow in the U.S. advertising that Strongbow should be served with ice? It’s not gingerale! In the UK they just serve hard cider like they serve beer in a pint glass. DEAR AMERICA: STOP RUINING THINGS.

**The show is down in the center of the nations illuminated by fireworks reflecting in the lagoon because puns never get old in Disney World.